La Vie Boheme

Little Miracles

2012-02-09T07:09:00.000-08:00

Found this blog called The Aisle to Aloha that is super sweet.
http://aisletoaloha.blogspot.com/2012/01/waiting.html

But what really got me was this gals blog post about PCOS and infertility. Totally had me in tears. (of course, everything makes me cry these days..) When I first got diagnosed with PCOS almost 2 1/2 years ago they wanted me to start taking meds and to do fertility treatments but, I didn't feel like that was the right course of action for me. So, instead I started taking better care of myself and totally at random, completely out of the blue I wound up pregnant this summer.

My doctor said the whole thing was miraculous. I agree. When I found out I was pregnant, I remember just sitting on the floor of my bathroom crying and praying. I was scared, it wasn't in the plan, and there were a lot of other things going on in our lives. But, the fact that I was even able to get pregnant was amazing. I remember sitting there on the floor nervous but overwhelmed by grace.

There have been many moments that have taken my breath away over the course of the last few years. Moments that no one can explain, that seem impossible or improbable. This week I had a doctors appointment that was unpleasant. Dylan couldn't go with me and I haven't seen a lot of him over the course of the last couple of weeks because he works full time and goes to school and has been terribly busy. I left that appointment feeling really alone and down. I got in my car and checked my voicemail. A friend that I hadn't spoken to in several months had called, saying that she was praying and all of a sudden I came to her mind, and she wanted me to know that I was loved, that she felt like I might be distressed at that moment and that everything was going to be ok. She didn't know I had a doctors appointment, or that I was there by myself, or that my whole week had been pretty craptastic up to that point. She was simply in prayer and I was put on her heart.

That my friends, is what I call the perfect timing of the divine. It's never when I think it should be, it's never how I think it will look, but it's so clearly of God that I can't help but to just sit in awe of the one who created me.

Thankful today for those little miraculous moments that sustain me and show me just how much I am loved.

Good intentions and some fun pregnancy facts

2012-01-30T07:56:00.000-08:00

There is this cutie cute girl I found on Pinterest who has a precious blog and some of the cutest maternity pics I have ever seen. All the cuteness can be found here: http://littlebabygarvin.blogspot.com/

I was going to take a picture every week of this pregnancy…I had good intentions. But, then I lost our camera and now I just keep forgetting. Oops. In my defense, if I looked as good as the pregnant gal in the blog I mentioned above I'm pretty sure I'd be down for documenting more stuff.

Alas, I look more like this:

But there's something cute and non-picture related that she does, where every few weeks she posts what's going on in her pregnancy, how she feels, and what she wants to eat. I can do that!

Fun Pregnancy Facts

How far along? 27 weeks

Total weight gain: ummmm, let's lie and go with 10 lbs

Maternity clothes? Maternity leggings are the best thing that have ever happened to me. I also love the Be Bump thing where you wear it over your regular unbuttoned jeans and nothing weird hangs out. Super awesome. Still in some of my normal shirts and dresses. Really wish it was colder here so that I could wear my Ugg’s all the time. Seriously, it’s like wearing slippers to work.

Stretch marks? None. Yet. I slept on some wrinkled sheets the other day and woke up in a panic because the creased sheets left marks on my skin and I thought 10 stretch marks had randomly shown up overnight.

Sleep: Meh. Depends on the night.

Best moment this week: This really sweet lady I work with prayed for Lily. Like laid hands on me and prayed for Lily. To say that I cried for 2 hours after that would be an understatement.

Miss Anything? Size 6 pants. I had just bought some before I got pregnant. Also, running, ccccoooooffffeeeee, and normal sized bras.

Movement: She moves. A lot. Today after I ate something spicy it felt like she roundhouse kicked me.

Food cravings: Goat cheese, anything berry related, ate a whole sleeve of Thin Mints last night, milk, bananas and snow peas.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Too much perfume or cologne. Barf.

Gender: Girl

Labor Signs: No

Symptoms: Heartburn and some other stuff that's not polite to discuss on the inter-web.

Belly Button in or out? in

Wedding rings on or off? on/off. At night, after I take a shower my hands seem to swell a lot, so I take them off and then put them back on in the mornings.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Kinda pissed and forgetful.

Looking forward to: Getting to know Lily’s little personality. Will she be terribly stubborn like both of us? Will she be easy going? Will she like to read and think that her taste in music is better than everyone else’s?

Can't wait to meet her.

Where my heart is.

2012-01-26T08:03:00.000-08:00

If this is true than my heart today is with: goat cheese, a Parisian vacation, blackberries, and Ryan Gosling.

Not too shabby.

Tina Fey is Smart

2012-01-24T12:39:00.000-08:00

A Mother's Prayer for Her Child

By: Tina Fey

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty. When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, dammit. May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait. O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed. And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen

-Tina Fey

Pregnancy Rage & Other Fun Stuff

2012-01-17T08:26:00.000-08:00

Like 3 people today have told me that I have that pregnancy glow....little do they know that I just didn't shower this morning and "that pregnancy glow" is just oiliness.

I am 26 weeks today. Only 12 -14 more weeks to go! I have friends who have talked about how much they loved being pregnant...I am not sure if these people are crazy or just liars. Maybe both? It could be that they are telling the truth and that I am just not a good pregnant person. I tend to not enjoy peeing 1,000 times a day, shopping for clothes that for some odd reason designed for 75 year olds, even though said clothes are sold at maternity stores, having my precious future child kick me in the bladder all day long, having no temperature control at all, getting Orca whale sized and having people comment mercilessly on my physical appearance.

This weekend I had lots of comments. Two were on the opposite ends of the spectrum so, they have left me feeling confused.

Comment 1: You don't look 6 months pregnant at all!

Comment 2: Are you sure you're not pregnant with twins?

I wasn't sure how to respond to either of them, so I just smiled politely and in my mind kicked these folks in the shins.

Have I mentioned that my pregnant lady rage is acting up? I am pretty chill about 99% of the time when I am not carrying a baby. However, for the last few weeks I have flown off the handle about 10 times. The last pregnant lady rage related event was the worst. Dylan and I went out to eat at a restaurant here in town on Saturday night that we always have bad customer service at (I'm lookin at you, Bostons).

But, alas Dylan wanted to watch the football game. So, we went to this place because of their sports bar and super huge tv's. We were seated by a hostess and proceeded to wait for literally 15 minutes. No one came by the table to get out drink orders, no one even said "Hey we are busy, it'll be just a minute" nothing.

Eventually we got up to leave. As we were walking out the same hostess who sat us told me to "have a great night"... and then the pregnancy rage awakened within me and I yelled something along the lines of "Little girl, we sat here for 15 minutes and no one helped us at all, so no, we will not have a good night!" Dylan, was trying to shove me out the door and was saying things like "calm down" and "it's not her fault this place sucks". Which just made my pregnant lady rage flair up even more.

I am officially scary. I literally have no control over my emotions. One moment I am fine, the next I am yelling at some poor 16 year old hostess who had braces and her lip pierced...I mean seriously, doesn't her lip ring catch on her braces? She obviously has enough problems without me unleashing on her.

I cannot wait to have Lily. To not be a nutcase anymore, to regain control over my emotions, bladder, and balance, to regain my patience and ability to self regulate.
12-14 more weeks.

Couldn't have said it better...

2012-01-12T08:56:00.000-08:00

This has been floating around on FB for a few days. Love what this guy has to say.

Jesus is love, the Bible is the word, church is community...but religiosity has no place in the kingdom of God.

Christianity is not hateful or discriminatory. So, how have we gotten to a place where that's all people see of us? I am so ashamed when political candidates, pastors, people of influence or whoever get up in front of an audience and call themselves followers of Christ and in the same breath spout out laws and regulations that are created to oppress people. Jesus didn't come to force people into submission by legality or judgement, he came to set you free.

And thank God for that.

12 Hopes for 2012 by: Shane Claiborne

2012-01-06T07:02:00.000-08:00

I am the worst at New Years resolutions...If I ever actually did what I resolved to do I would weigh 110 lbs, have run several marathons, started a church, volunteered more, finished school, been nominated for wife of the year etc....Overall I'd be a much better (and much skinnier) person.

So, instead of resolutions that I will never keep I am going to strive for these 12 hopes for 2012 that Shane Claiborne wrote about on his FB page.

12 Hopes for 2012 – by: Shane Claiborne

12. Do something really nice – that no one knows about.

11. Spend more money on other people than I spend on my self. Love my neighbor as I love myself. And love myself as I love my neighbor.

10. Laugh often… especially at advertisements that try to convince me that I must buy more stuff in order to be happy.

9. Learn a new life skill – like carpentry, pottery, or canning vegetables. Teach someone else 1 life skill I know how to do.

8. Love a few people well, remembering that what is important is not how much we do but how much love we put into doing it.

7. Write a letter to someone I need to say thank you to. Write another letter to someone I need to ask to forgive me.

6. Track down a critic or someone I disagree with and take them to lunch. Listen to them.

5. Compliment someone I have a hard time complimenting… and mean it.

4. Choose life. Do something regularly to interrupt the patterns of death – do something to end violence, bullying, war, capital punishment and other mean and ugly things.

3. Pause before every potential crisis and ask “will this matter in 5 years?”

2. Get outside often and marvel at things like fireflies and shooting stars. And regularly get my hands into the garden… so when I type on the computer I can see dirt under my fingernails.

1. Believe in miracles. And live in a way that might necessitate one.

If you are not familiar with Shane Claiborne you can find out more about him here:

http://www.thesimpleway.org/shane/

What do you want out of 2012? More importantly, where is God leading you in this new year?

Almost there.....

2011-12-20T08:47:00.000-08:00

Christmas break starts in T-minus 5 hours. For whatever reason, the school district that I work for is doing Christmas break a little differently this year. A little differently as in we are off from tomorrow to January the 9th. Holla! Working in the PR department for a public school is hard. People don't typically like us. No one ever calls to say "Hey thanks for being awesome!" With budget cuts and the state being super lame it has been a difficult year.

But Christmas Break makes up for all of that! Sweet, glorious Christmas Break. Almost 3 full weeks of awesome. This year I have vowed to be productive over the break and not turn into the usual 24/7 pajama wearing dirty person that I become.

We have lots of projects around the house to do.

Including:

Tear up the carpet in the office, the nursery, and our bedroom and stain the concrete. If you have large dogs then you will understand that carpet + large dogs = gross. Like smelly, dirty, no amount of steam cleaning will fix gross. The rest of the house has ceramic tile, thank God.

Here is one of the cute but dirty culprits.

Paint Lily's Room

We are going to do her nursery in a shade called Northern Pear (the color on the left of the picture). I want to add a little bit of pink and some cream to the colors in her room. So excited to start putting the nursery together!

Make the following for the nursery (stupid Pinterest ruins my life).

Pinterest is good for inspiring ideas that I will never be competent enough to complete.

Bird Mobile

All I have to do is learn how to sew!

Yarn Letters

I can actually do this one...how hard can it be? You wrap some letters in yarn, the end.

Paint cutie bird painting

Just need to learn to paint!

Become super rich and purchase everything in this room...

In all actuality I will probably do none of these things....then the day before the break is over I will try to do them all which will result in a mess of epic proportions. Yay, Christmas Break!

It's a.....

2011-12-14T07:41:00.000-08:00

Girl!

Gender Reveal Party was super fun. We had all of our sweet friends and family (minus Dylan's brother who is stationed in Florida and could not make it). And it was just a lovely day. I had a feeling Baby M was a girl... but had begun to doubt those feelings when everyone and their mom has been telling me that I was having a boy. :)

For the party we went with the theme Make way for our Little Duckling which I ~~stole~~ borrowed from Kate Landers Gender Reveal Party idea, which can be found here:
http://www.laylagrayce.com/blog/2011/06/30/celebrate-with-kate-baby-landers-gender-reveal-party/

Here are some of my favorite pics of the party:

Color scheme was gray, yellow, and white.

I made little place cards for all the food. Classy.

Our cake! Loved it! Cake Junkie in Bryan is the bomb!

Dylan's fam and coworkers

My fam. (side note: my dad said he thought it was a girl all along but when I told him he had to wear pink, he simply looked at me and said "I don't wear pink for anybody, Jenny.")

Team Blue = super fun losers :)

Team pink!

My church fam. Love these guys.

With my two sweet friends who have been my best friends since I was 2 years old.Thanks KT and Nome for driving in from Austin for the party.

Cutting the cake. So fun!

Overall we had a great time. I had some self control issues on Sunday morning when I was alone with the cake for about 30 minutes...I seriously considered sticking a pin or something in it to see what color icing was inside. But, cooler heads prevailed. Thank you to everyone for being a part of our special day. It was awesome to share in this with our loved ones. We are blessed.

These are a few of my favorite things.

2011-12-05T12:41:00.000-08:00

Christmas is my favorite. Favorite. There is something so lovely and peaceful about Christmas time.

These are some of the things that make Christmas special to me..

Sufjan Steven's version of Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing off of his Christmas CD
Technically I don't think this is a Christmas song. But, man I love it. My grandpa was a champ at walking around the house singing hymns very loudly and very off key and this was one of his favorites. It reminds me of him and of the joy that always surrounded our family at Christmas time.

Christmas Crafty things
I love anything craft related. Buying presents for people is great. But there is something really special to me about spending time making something for somebody. I would rather have a homemade present any day of the week. This year, I'm making Christmas wreaths. They are super fun and messy!

Girly Get-Togethers
Anything girly and fancy is always good with me. Last year my friend Carmen and I hosted a table at a Christmas by Candlelight event at church. This year my small group is doing a ladies fondue party. I am all about dressing up and eating dessert with my lady friends.

Ornaments my Grandmother made
Please ignore the cleavage in this picture. Pregnancy + Dylan as the photographer = cleavagey pictures.
I'm holding my favorite ornament. It's a kangaroo with a baby in its pouch. Way cute. When my brother and I were little, my grandma, Mo, made us each about 5-10 ornaments a year. I think about her and how much she loved to create things every time I decorate my tree.

Sasser Family Christmas Pictures
They always turn out like this. And I love that about us.

Decorating With This Guy
Dylan is good at a lot of things. He's handy and smart and calms me down without me realizing he's calming me down. Dylan is not, however, good or patient when it comes to Christmas decorating. He's got about 15-20 minutes of help in him each year. The trick is to put up the tree, put on the lights, and the tree-topper when he is not home. Then when he gets home I put on some Gene Autry Christmas music (that's right, he llloooovvveesss Gene Autry), make sure he drinks a few beers and put him to work. He sings, throws random ornaments haphazardly on the tree, talks about the picture-ornament of our dog Hunter with Santa when he was a puppy, makes fun of me for having like 50 bird ornaments and then he is out. But, for those 15-20 minutes he helps he is cheerful and fun.

What makes Christmas special to you?

Time has literally stopped

2011-11-29T08:18:00.000-08:00

We will get to find out the sex of Baby M on the 11th. We are going to do a Gender Reveal party which I used to think was stupid and self serving....that is until I got pregnant and wanted to do one :). My justification is that we are not asking for presents just for people to be present...it's the real jerks that ask for gifts.

Our appointment is on the 8th, we'll go in, have the sonogram and the technician will write down the baby's gender, and seal it an envelope. From there we'll take the envelope to a bakery here in town and they will make us a cake with white icing and depending on the sex of the baby they'll do pink or blue icing on the inside of the cake. We'll have a party on Sunday and cut into the cake with our fam and close friends to find out all together what Baby M will be.

Side Note: This is the same awesome bakery that gave us this little gem for our

"I'm on a Boat" birthday party a few years ago. Best cake ever? I think so.

I mean look at the detail on T-Pain's ascot!

To say that I am excited is an understatement. Dylan will have to be in charge of delivering the sealed envelope to the bakery because I definitely have no self control and will rip it open the moment I am alone with it.

People keep asking me if I have a preference as to what the baby's gender will be. I really don't. That being said, I feel like the baby is a girl. Which is weird, I guess... I mean really, how would I know that? But, I don't know I just have this feeling. If I'm wrong, (which there's a 50% chance I will be) I'll be just as excited if we are having a boy. Our friend Lanny told Dylan the other day "If you have a boy you only have to worry about one penis. If you have a girl you have to then worry about all penises." Well said, Lanny, well said.

Either way we are pumped! And terrified! And excited! And scared to death!

Mostly I am just so happy to share in this moment with the people closest to us. As I've mentioned before, my family has been going through a hard time the last couple of years due to an illness, and it is a huge blessing to be able to be with them on this day. We are lucky to have family that loves us and awesome friends who support us. What better way to share in the joy of this baby and who they will be than with those we love.

Can't wait!

Give Thanks

2011-11-24T06:45:00.000-08:00

Giving thanks today for the following:

My grandmothers and my mom
Who were and are awesome cooks, fabulous hostesses, and true southern ladies. Everytime I make green rice, stuffing, or chocolate pecan pie I remember the time I spent in the kitchen with those ladies, learning how to cook, and more importantly learning how to be myself.

For those who truly know me (and for whatever reason love me anyway)
Thankful for the handful of peeps who are closest to me and who generously overlook my bossiness, need to always be right, and grumpiness. Thanks for listening to me cry, giggling with me over some ridiculous story or adventure, who call me out when I'm being nuttier than squirrel poo, and for offering me fried chicken when I'm sad.

Sobriety
Blessed to be sober. The holidays were always a time of debauchery for me. Times when I drank way too much or partook in other stuff and made an ass out of myself. Now I just eat 2 servings of pie and call it a day. Thankful to be able to love others better because I better understand addiction and myself.

YAMS past and present
Thankful for my small group and how much the Young Adult Ministries have grown and changed in the 4 short years since we started meeting on Tuesday nights at my house. More than anything else in my life this group of people has shaped me and been an outstanding example of faith, kindness, and hope.

Baby M
Thankful for this pregnancy and for the reminder that God is pretty dang good all the time.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Eating organically, hippies, and other fun thoughts.

2011-11-18T13:40:00.000-08:00

I like hippies for the most part....I dated a very nice hippie in high school. He made his own granola and was in a band and drove across the country and lived in his truck for 3 months. We had a good time. But, I have never considered myself to be of the "hippie variety". My hair is dyed, I get pedicures, sometimes I spend a whole lot on jeans etc.... I was a vegetarian for like 9 months when I was 18 but, then I got drunk one night and ate a corn dog and that was the end of that. ( Side Note: A lot of the stories of my past end in me getting drunk and eating corn dogs....sad.)

Lately though, we have really been seriously considering not eating any meat that we don't kill ourselves or purchase from local organic farmers. And by the meat "we" kill, I mean the meat Dylan kills. He is the hunter in the family. I only went bird hunting with him once and he shot a dove that landed on my foot and that was when I called it a day. Yikes. Not my speed. The thing about hunting is though, I know that the deer or dove or pheasant or fish that Dylan kills have never had to suffer in a feedlot, they've never been pumped full of strange antibiotics that are pretty much proven to cause cancer, in fact they've lived a free and happy life. Unlike the animals that are subjected to being raised on a feedlot. Or the pregnant sows who are kept in cages so small they can barely move.

"Lisa, I thought you loved me?" (my favorite Simpson's of all time)

Being more aware of what we eat kinda started when I read the Omnivores Dilemma like 2 years ago and it really upset me. It is, however, very easy to slip into old habits and to simply not think about your foods source and so I went back to eating Kroger brand chicken and all sorts of crap fairly quickly after the initial shock of the book wore off. I stumbled across a blog recently called The Grist and was captivated by it for several hours. The things I saw and read reminded me of what I read in the Omnivores Dilemma. (things like what happens to pigs in factory farms and what's in a McRib sandwich http://www.grist.org/list/2011-11-04-mcribs-are-made-from-the-unhappiest-pigs )

Feed lot cows

I no longer want to contribute to factory farms and to animals being treated in terrible inhumane ways. I think animals should be eaten. For petes sake, they are tasty and we are at the top of the food chain. But, I also think that they deserve to live a good life and to be killed in a humane way. And as the folks at the top of the food chain, it is our job to make sure that happens. Plus, in spite of what you think about animal rights, I don't want to eat a bunch of antibiotics in my meat. I don't want to eat something that lived in squalor and it's own poo for the better part of it's life. That is detrimental to my health and to the health of my family.

So yesterday after many a discussion and some gnashing of teeth, we decided that we were going to abstain from eating meat unless we knew that it had lived on a small farm and been treated humanely or if we had or someone we knew had killed it while hunting.

Happy Cows

There's a farmers market in downtown Bryan on Saturday's where people who have organic farms and raise their animals in humane ways sell their meat. Between them and Dylan's mad hunting skills, hopefully that will supply us with enough meat. Otherwise it's veggie central for us. We even talked about when we finally move out of the city, that we should get some chickens. Now, if you know me you are probably laughing right now...first of all, stop it. That is rude :) Second of all, our kid/s should be old enough by that point to take care of the chickens. Raising chickens teaches kids responsibility and junk and keeps my hands chicken poo free. Win-win.

Chickens stay this cute forever, right?

Have you ever thought about where your food comes from? If so, what (if any) changes have you made to the meals you serve at your kitchen table?

Does caring about all this stuff mean that I am a hippie now? Perhaps...but I still bathe daily and I'm still going to dye my hair.

Love + Marriage = Baby Carriage

2011-11-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

Since we found out I was pregnant everything's been so exciting. There are names to pick out and conversations about whose eyes the baby will have and hopefully whose hips the baby won't have etc. Yesterday was our 16 week appointment and Baby M looks more and more like a baby and less and less like a squid. Which is cool.

The Humboldt Squid is also called "diablo rojo".

The baby actually looked like it was praying...which made me tear up until our doctor commented "What have y'all been doing to make that baby start praying already?" and Dylan responded "What haven't we been doing!"

We could see Baby M moving around and he or she had a heartbeat that was strong. We are pretty much out of the danger zone when it comes to miscarriages and I left that appointment feeling so happy and so encouraged....and then I realized that WE are going to have a baby. Like a real one....on or around April 30th....a baby.

Oh my goodness. A baby. Not just a baby but, OUR baby. My only mothering experience has thus far produced two very bad dogs and dozens of dead house plants. I am not motherly. I do not like all children (or even 75% of children). At the OBGYN I sit as far away from the children as I possibly can.

I never went through the phase where I thought those pictures of fat babies in buckets were cute and I definitely didn't ever get baby crazy as I lot of my other friends did when we were about 24-28.

(horrifying)

I didn't hold my own brother until he was like 6 weeks old because I was afraid I was going to drop him on his head...later on I was actually responsible for him being dropped on his head...that may or may not have been intentional (sorry Zach).

Dylan on the other hand plays with children like they are dogs. We used to babysit our friends kids and I can distinctly remember him throwing a ball at them and saying "Go get the ball! Go get it, buddy!" The exact same thing he says to our dogs when he is playing fetch with them.

All that being said it's not like we are going to be like Michael Jackson and dangle our kids over balconies or give them names of inanimate objects. Although the name Bookcase does have a certain ring to it...

Good luck, future child! I think you might need it.

Don't say the following to a pregnant lady...

2011-11-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

I used to feel like people in general had pretty good manners... and then I got pregnant. I'm unsure as to why this simple fact suddenly makes everyone feel the need to say horribly inappropriate things to me. I am still the same person. The same uptight, prudish, let's not discuss weight, or politics, or anything else that anyone could view as offensive. That, plus, I have thousands of crazy pregnancy hormones surging through my body. Which makes me irrational and grumpy and prone to hysterical crying fits.

For the love of God and all that is holy don't say any of the following to your pregnant friends:

"You don't even look pregnant!"

I am aware that I don't look pregnant. I look like I really really love beer and ice cream and that I consume them (sometimes at the same time) every single day.

"You're not going to be one of those parents, are you?"

This was said to me after I told someone that we were thinking about using cloth diapers. I'm not sure what "those parents" means? People concerned about the environment? How lame of us.

"Have you gotten fat yet?"

Yes. Thank you for asking.

"When is IT due?"

Even though we don't know what gender the baby will be yet, the baby does in fact have a gender.

When you say IT that implies that it will be like Pat. Pat always really creeped me out.

"You should really consider natural childbirth."

No. I shouldn't. Have you ever met me? This is the depiction of what would happen to me if I even attempted it. Nothing about me is natural.

"You're short. Short girls always get really big"

Awesome.

"My labor was so terrible it lasted 16 hours and....(followed by super graphic description)"
Oh man. That is comforting. As if us first time pregnant people aren't freaked out enough I just had to hear about your baby trying to slowly murder you.

And there you have it, friends. If someone you know is pregnant, tell them you're excited for them and tell them they are going to be an awesome mom...even if they aren't. And then just smile and hug them. That's it. That's all we want. Well, that and maybe some ice cream.

The Greatest Story

2011-10-25T07:23:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about mortality a lot lately. Not in the creepy I'm gonna sit around like some sad artsy kid and listen to Elliot Smith in the dark kind of a way...but in the I'm 30, I'm about to become someone's parent, and I am looking more closely at the way I contribute to society and to others through my faith.

I was super excited to read Donald Miller's blog today because it was all about mortality and the fact that we each only get one story to tell with our lives. http://donmilleris.com/

Becoming a mom is going to change the course of my story dramatically, in ways that I can't even imagine I am sure. And I welcome that change. I want to lose my own sense of self importance and arrogance, I want to love someone else more than I love myself, I am excited and scared and mystified by how much I love this little person that I don't even know yet.

There are elements of my story that I love and that I'm proud of and that I wouldn't trade for anything. And then there's those chapters that are rambly and slow moving, that confuse the reader (and the author for that matter). There's false starts and pages where there's only a few words written on the page. (words like "Well, what the crap am I supposed to do now?") And I realize that there's no central plot line running through my story and that is probably why it doesn't make a lot of sense.

You can't have a really great story if you don't know what you're writing about. It would be nice to be able to honestly say my story is about faith and love. And sometimes, on my very best of days, it is. But the vast majority of the time I get distracted and my story becomes about a deadline, or a fear, or what I don't have.

Really good authors are intentional with their time, their actions, their friendships. That's why Jesus' story is called the greatest story ever told. Everything that man did was intentional. Everything flowed out of a place of love and mercy. There were no blank chapters, there was no getting distracted by circumstance, it was simply about love. Yes, he got scared. Yes, he felt lost at times. Yes, he was tempted. But, he never lost what he was about.

Believing in something and being guided by a force greater than yourself, even if it leads you to your death, is a pretty darn good story.

Unexpected

2011-10-05T08:10:00.000-07:00

About 2 years ago I had one of the worst weeks ever. I mean, EVER. My friend had relapsed and I had realized that they were not going to get the help they needed to get better, I went to work only to be met with a meeting in which I was laid off, I received news that getting pregnant was going to be nearly impossible for me and that without major medical intervention it would never happen, and it was the anniversary of one of mine and Dylan's close friends deaths.

I remember driving home after the layoff and thinking "Well, it can't get any worse right?" But, then you know it did. I got a job that while it was steady and had great benefits I worked for someone whose personality was like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. They were kind and nothing about them was malicious but we went together like oil and water and work seemed constantly chaotic to me. Shortly after that someone in my family received a very grim diagnosis. Someone who is the rock in my life. The person that loves me and knows me better than anyone else. And so, in a spirit of self pity and disappointment, I did what I do best and I turned inward and I harbored resentments and I bitterly went about my days.

And things went on like this for about a year. Spite filled my heart and though I was still involved in things that were seemingly good (recovery, church, etc.) I was so angry with God and with my surroundings that I couldn't see past the bad things happening in my life. I did not want to get out of bed in the mornings. One day, I had a conversation with my mom and she told me that there was a reason for where I was in life. That if I kept fighting it and hating it that I would never learn from it. That I needed to surrender and ask God to help me make the most of where I was. I prayed in that moment for the serenity and grace to move forward in spite of my circumstances. For what are circumstances if Christ is my foundation?

So, I began to get up early and sit on the back porch and pray and watch the birds in the yard. Somewhere in the middle of those times I learned to let go of my resentments and my expectations. I began to go to work and tried to look for ways that God could use me, instead of sitting at my desk fuming all day long. I took advantage of the time off my new job gave me and pursued things that I loved but hadn't had time for when I worked at the church. I spent more time with my family, my friends, and my husband. I started a garden and went on vacations and began running in the mornings. I got transferred at my job and now I work for someone who is genuinely one of the best bosses I've ever had. I witnessed my friend who'd relapsed recover, write a song about their struggles and perform it in front of everyone on a Sunday morning. I went on the Walk to Emmaus. I said no. I spent more time reading. I got rid of our TV. I went fishing with my dad. I started making crafts again. I am in the process of becoming a Spiritual Director. I learned to define myself by who Christ saw me as and not what I did for a living. I lost 45 lbs. I found myself.

And none of that would have ever happened without that worst week ever. No one who lives a carefree super awesome non-challenging life has a very good story. It is in the depths of sorrow and tragedy that we truly discover who we are and who God is. I am so thankful for that worst week ever. I am even more thankful for my God who is the same in the good times and the bad. If you are in the midst of something awful, surrender to it and invite Jesus into that place. He will begin to work in your life and in your heart. The world may harm you. It may throw everything it's got at you.....but it can never ever destroy you if you are standing firm in the Lord.

There is beauty in the breakdown.

Holy Hot Fall

2011-09-29T12:28:00.000-07:00

Why is it 104 degrees today?
Please summer, you have been hanging out for like 6 months now
and we are all real real tired of you.

I am protesting the heat by doing fallish things such as:

drinking a pumpkin spice frap.

burning a pumpkin smelling candle

buying mums that will surely be burned to oblivion on my hot hot front porch

wearing a sweater that causes me to sweat just by looking at it

making taco soup for dinner tonight

and listening to Sufjan Stevens

Take that endless summer.

Where I want to be

2011-09-06T07:39:00.000-07:00

I am a worrier. When things are wrong, when things are right... I worry. I received some good news this week. Scratch that....super exciting, fantastic news. And I immediately start thinking about the future. What's going to happen, how the crap am I going to do this etc. Or I look to my past. Which starts me thinking about how much I don't deserve whatever good thing is happening to me and how I will probably screw up whatever blessings I've been given.

In the midst of my morning devotional this morning (in the awesomely cool fallish weather! :)) I came across this verse "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding yours in the glory that pours from Jesus." Philippians 4:19.

This scripture gave me a peace I haven't felt in a very long time. It helped me to look at my life in the present instead of worrying about the future or fretting over past mistakes. It gave me the blessing of being in the moment. In the moment with all of it's beautiful flaws and overwhelming mercy. I am grateful to be where I am today. I am confident that God will take care of everything I need. I am where I want to be... in the midst of my life, in the center of Christ, trusting that he will work all things to my good, because I love him.

There is only one of you in all time.

2011-08-30T07:41:00.000-07:00

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, that is translated through you into action, and because

there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.

And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost."
— Martha Graham

This quote has stuck with me for a few days now and I've been giving a lot of thought to the way I express myself and my creativity, or lack thereof. :) I haven't really spent a lot of time with the things I care deeply about. Don't get me wrong, I still do a lot volunteering through church and through recovery. But, those are efforts that typically require me giving and giving and giving and not particularly being filled.

My only real foray into the art world was a pottery class I tried to take in college. I say tried because it ended in disaster. 5 weeks in, when everyone else was throwing pots like they had been their whole lives, I was still sitting at the wheel making things that can only be described as franken-pots. Weird and monstrously ugly lumps of clay that my prof kept walking past and saying "you know Jenny, some people just don't have the gift." Thanks professor hippie-pants, that's very helpful instruction. So, I quit the class and that was the last time I really tried to create something out of nothing.

What I am lacking in is living creatively through some sort of art form. I do alright at Photoshop and Indesign and while I do consider those two mediums art, I kinda want to do something that requires a little bit less time at the computer and a little more time being hands on with something. Art has always been important to me, going to any art museum is like going to church. It's a spiritual retreat for me, where I feel refreshed and renewed and walk away feeling a sense of wonderment. But, I have no artistic skills to speak of. There's been kinda of this thought at the back of mind lately that I should learn how to paint. I need something that's just for me, that fills me up with joy. My Nonny was a beautiful painter, she was always painting birds or flowers and I remember so vividly sitting with her as a child and watching her paint. It was the only time I really ever saw her, if that makes sense.

Something in me longs to create and I have to figure out what the heck that means and how I'm supposed to approach it. Maybe just trying would be a great start :)

The Unsolved

2011-08-26T19:37:00.000-07:00

"Be patient towards all that is Unsolved in your heart and try to love questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue... do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you, because you would not be able to live them. The point is to live everything." - Rilke

Asking questions that I am not ready for the answers to seems so counterproductive. Patiently taking the Unsolved to God and trusting that he is with me is enough for now. I don't need to know. I just need to believe in something bigger... bigger than me and my own very limited understanding.

The light meets the dark

2011-08-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

I read a beautiful prayer tonight, that reminded me of the purpose of the dark things in my life.

"From the rising of the sun to it's setting
Let the name of the Lord be praised.
You, O Lord, are my lamp.
My God, you make my darkness light.
Thanks be to God."

As I sat reading this tonight, under a million stars, I was in mourning. Mourning poor choices I have made, mourning changes in my life, mourning that sin that creeps in just when I think I'm safe. And then I read this prayer and I looked at the stars and I really caught a glimpse of my God. The God who can take the dark night of my sin and place a million tiny stars in the midst of it. The God who uses my poor choices and my fear and all of the shame that I feel over who I'm not and illuminates my life with possibility. My God who shines a light on the darkest corners of the me I try to keep hidden...through that light there is compassion and overwhelming grace and guidance. I believe I have known great darkness in my life so that I may also appreciate the absolute all consuming beauty of the light. For how can you know the love and light of Christ if you haven't also been in the very depths of the darkest places. I am thankful today for the darkness... Because he will make it light.

Thirst

2011-08-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

Water has been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe it's because it hasn't rained in C-Stat in flippin forever and we are fixing to be put on water restrictions. Maybe it's because all my plants that I've worked so hard to keep alive this summer are dropping like flies. My Poppa used to say "You can water your garden with a hose as much as you please. But if you're plants are going to thrive they need that Jesus Water." There was a time in my life when I went strolling through my days severely dehydrated. I used to hate water. Didn't want to drink it, didn't want to have anything to do with it. So, I drank DP's and tea and all sorts of crap that didn't quench my thirst and also had the adverse effect of contributing to my chubbiness ;). It wasn't until I went camping in Yellowstone that I realized the importance of staying hydrated.

Up in the mountains you tend to get dehydrated much quicker than in the plains. Elevation has a way of doing that. I had been warned that I needed to drink a lot of water but, I didn't heed the warning and after my first night of camping I woke up as sick as a dog. I had a killer headache, I was yaking everywhere and I thought I was going to die. The only thing that made me feel better was drinking about a gallon of water. From that point on I have been a nut about staying hydrated. All I drink is water (with the exception of the ginormous ice tea I get every Monday at Coco Loco:)) It's funny to me that when I was extremely dehydrated I never was thirsty. I never craved water. Now when all I do is drink water I wake up in the middle of the night parched. It is an almost all consuming desire to take in as much water as I can.

As I think about the water that I need to sustain me I am reminded of that living water that has sustained me for the last several years. Before I met Jesus I didn't know I needed him. I didn't know that I was parched and sick. Now that I know him and am close to him all I want is that next drink of living water.

There's this song out of the old Cokesburry hymnal called "As the Deer". In the song there's a line that says "As the deer pants for the water so my soul longs after thee." When I was dehydrated and sick and far from God I thought the song was kinda lame...so what if the deer wants a drink, what a stupid line! One day not to long after I started getting sober I was sitting with my dad on some ranch and we were watching the deer. I remember seeing one that was literally trembling as it walked up to the water. It was gasping and panting and as it lowered it's head to that life giving water that song popped into my head. It isn't just a cutesy song about some thirsty deer, it's a song about a desperate need that left unfilled will result in sickness and in death. That deer was desperate for that water....just as I was and am desperate for Jesus' water.

Speak your truth

2011-08-03T08:25:00.000-07:00

Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, “Teacher, rebuke your disciples!”
“I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, even the stones will cry out.” Luke 19:39-40

I keep coming upon this verse in my studies or readings or whatever. Typically this means that I best pay attention to what it's saying. I love the setting of this scripture. Jesus is going to Mount Olive, his disciples and followers are with him and they are shouting and praising him: “Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!”

And this really ticks off the pharisees. They fuss at Jesus and in turn tell him to rebuke his disciples.Who did they think they were, these disciples? To the pharisees they were just a bunch of super hippies, following their super hippie blasphemer of a leader who claimed that he was the son of God. They didn't understand the praises and the joy. They didn't see what Jesus' followers did...that he truly was the son of God and someone worthy of their reverence.

Then Jesus says something that's awesome and weird and totally like the amazing stuff that he always says when he tells them "if they keep quiet, even the stones will cry out". I love that Jesus never gives a simple answer. He's always pushing you to think. Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who answers a question with a question? Or told someone something that seemed to you, to garner a black and white response and yet all you get from them is gray? Jesus is the champ at answering things in a way that is totally unexpected, off the cuff, seemingly bizarro and yet completely true and beautiful.

I think about what this scripture means in my own life. He's given me a voice, this Jesus. A voice to praise him and to tell others about the ways he's changed my life and to offer his love to others. If I keep quiet His word will still get spread, his love will still be heard...even if he has to rely on the stones to do it. When I neglect to speak of my love for him or when I see someone falling into sin and shame and I say nothing, He's gonna still get the job done. Regardless of myself and my inequities. But, why would I let the stones do the talking when He has blessed me with everything I need in order to be a light to all those I meet?

I want to be a part of his plan. I will speak the truth's he's laid on my heart. Even when the pharisees are yelling at me to keep quiet :)

Shhhhhh...

2011-07-26T07:16:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity this weekend to take a silent retreat. By silent I mean no talking...like at all. Well, almost not at all, I did accidentally drop an f-bomb when I nearly stepped on a scorpion in the shower. D'oh!

But other than that it was awesome. All to often I pray and pour out my heart to God and then do not listen to his response. There are a couple of things that have been weighing on me heavily, things that I just keep laying down at his feet only to pick them right back up again. It says in scripture that if you are praying and you do not hear an answer then try fasting (we all know I am not gonna not eat :)) then try talking it out with someone (I've talked it out with everyone), then try taking some time alone with God.

So, that's exactly what I did. I had a little cabin, no cell service, and not another human being for at least a mile. The first 2 hours were excruciating. I talk. A lot. Even when I'm alone I talk out loud. It was hard to keep my thoughts focused on the moment. I was able to eventually settle down, to be still and quiet, to listen to the birds and the wind, and to pray and then listen for God. I journaled, I read, I cried, I took long walks. It was awesome.

In spite of my time spent in silence I did not hear a clear answer to my questions/troubles... God did not set a bush on fire in front of me and tell me to get his people out of Egypt.

But he did absolutely bless me when I read this prayer by St. Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O God, grant that I may not so much seek
to be comforted as to comfort;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

This prayer is the answer to my prayers. Not the answer I wanted, mind you. But an answer none the less. No, I don't know specifically what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life or how to handle certain difficult situations at home or at church. What I do know is that if I can truly live what this prayer is talking about then I'll be doing pretty dang good. Sometimes God doesn't give me what I want. Like a clear answer to prayer or like zapping that jerk in front of me on Hwy 6 who is driving like a maniac. And thank goodness for that. Because what I usually want isn't of Him.

I am thankful for a God who instead, gives me everything I need in the form of a simple prayer or a birds song or a long walk by the Guadlupe River.

42 years

2011-07-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

The best thing a father can do for his children

is to love their mother well. - John Wooden

I am thankful for my parents today. Thankful that they have sustained and thrived and grown throughout their 42 years of marriage. I am thankful for the example that they have set for my brother and I. I am thankful that when I emailed my dad today to tell him happy anniversary he responded with something along the lines of

"I can't believe we have been married for 42 years! It's not nearly long enough!"

Here's to you, Mom and Dad. I hope that there are many more anniversaries and

beautiful moments of love and laughter in your future.

Someone like You

2011-07-13T10:04:00.000-07:00

Oh how I love everything about Adele!

Because you were made to be known and made to be loved...

2011-07-11T06:36:00.000-07:00

Saw this video on Donald Miller's blog this morning. It was made by the folks at To Write Love on Her Arms.
To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery and is seriously one of my favorite charities ever. They are legit.

All of this has made me think about fears and dreams. How they are typically interconnected and how when you begin to live your dreams you absolutely have to face those fears.

What are your dreams?
What are your fears?

Comfort

2011-07-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

This is Francis Chan, author of Crazy Love and pastor of Corner Stone Community Church in California. A friend emailed me a link to this a few days ago and I can't stop thinking about it.

In this clip he's talking about our response to pain and choosing comfort over Christ.

Love. It.

Confirmation

2011-07-07T11:40:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes you are trapped in a cave and no human action is able to get you out. There is something you can't fix, can't heal, or can't escape, and all you can do is trust God. Finding ultimate refuge in God means you become so immersed in his presence, so convinced of his goodness, so devoted to his lordship that you find even the cave is a perfectly safe place to be

because He is there with you."

- John Ortberg

Do not push button.

2011-07-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

“And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it”

1 Corinthians 10:13, NIV

Hello, my name is Jenny and I am impulsive.
I currently feel like Peter, standing right next to a bright red shiny button that has a "do not push button" sign hanging directly over it. If you've ever watched Family Guy you know how the above scene plays out. He totally pushes the button and then hilarious and painfully awful things happen. He knows it wrong and he knows its going to be bad but, God help him, he's just such a moron that he can't redirect his course of action
and he falls right into temptation.

I am tempted. Tempted to do what I want to do instead of what God is calling me to do. Because like Peter Griffin, when I see a big red shiny button that says do not push I am suddenly consumed with the overwhelming urge to push it like 50 times. The temptation itself isn't a sin. Only when you put action behind it does it become sinful.

So far, I've been just staring at the button longingly....but if I keep staring at it I am going to fall. Like Jesus in the desert I know the devil can't destroy me unless I myself am a willing participant in my own destruction. But unlike Jesus in the desert, my focus is not currently on God. My focus is on myself and my own discomfort and that is when I become vulnerable to letting that temptation turn into sin and consume me.

God promises he won't give us more than we can bear when it comes to being tempted. He did not promise that he was going to do all the work for us though. If I go into the desert without the right state of mind, priorities, and heart then I am setting myself up as easy prey for the devil
and I will wind up pushing that button.

He will always give me a way out and a chance at redemption if I seek His face instead of seeking that immediate payoff that the button will bring. I am thankful today for a God that knows that I am just as hapless and inept as Peter Griffin. Who knows that 9 times out of 10 I am going to want to push that button... and despite all of that loves me anyway.

Happy 4th!

2011-07-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

Couldn't have said what the 4th means to me any better than what Mr. Donald Miller blogged today:

http://donmilleris.com/2011/07/04/happy-fourth-of-july/

Super thankful for our freedom and lifting up those places in the world where there is no freedom or justice.

His mercies are new every morning.

2011-06-30T07:26:00.000-07:00

For the past month or so I've been waking up early and sitting in the backyard with my journal. This is no small feat for me seeing as how the morning and I are sworn mortal enemies. As I stumbled outside and sat down this A.M. I decided to let the dogs come outside with me. I didn't know if they would be cool with all the birds in the yard but they just sat down next to me and didn't pay them much attention. (Now if there would have been a squirrel outside that would have been a different story. Hunter's main ambition in life is to kill and eat a squirrel. Fortunately he is far to old and slow to catch any squirrel that is not severely handicapped)

It was a pretty typical morning in the back yard. I saw the usual birds and watered the garden. It was humid and damp and I started thinking about how this day was going to be the very same as every other day. I get up, I sit outside, I go to work, I go to some church/recovery thing, I go home. Repeat.

And I started to feel kinda sorry for myself. Monotony is just the worst.

Just as my self-pity was gaining momentum the stillness of the morning was broken by a knock down drag out cardinal fight. These two dude cardinals just started going nuts on each other. This is a picture of the dogs watching the birds duke it out. They were just as fascinated as I was. It was crazy and it was awesome and it was completely unexpected.

In the midst of the noise and feathers flying I started thinking about how surprising God is. How when I wake up and write off the day as a typical Thursday and enter into it with cynicism that I more often than not miss the little God mercies because I'm stuck in a funk. Nature has a way of reminding me that God is miraculous.
That just when I've written off the day as a loss something simple and stunningly beautiful happens to remind me that no moment is wasted no matter how small or seemingly monotonous, if it's a moment lived in Christ.

His Mercies are new every morning. I hope that you see something today that reminds you of that promise :)

Best. Thing. Ever.

2011-06-28T06:34:00.000-07:00

I was recently introduced to The Civil Wars by my little brother. Now that I am on the dark-side of 29 I have to rely on hip younger people to tell me what's cool :) and The Civil Wars are cool. Their CD Barton Hallow is bonkers. Every single song is great. But these are my fave's:

Poison & Wine

Falling

I've got this Friend

Barton Hallow & 20 Years

I love them. If you don't love them, please don't tell me. I will judge you. :)

All Along

2011-06-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

"Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.

They are in each other all along."

Rumi

This quote from Rumi speaks to me of Gods love. Before I ever knew Him or wanted to know Him, He was here. Waiting patiently for me to see His presence and inviting me into an intimate relationship with Him. While I'm not so sure about this quote as so far as it applies to lovers, I am absolutely sure of it's validity in regards to Christ.

John Muir is smart

2011-06-21T06:17:00.000-07:00

“Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in where nature may heal and cheer and give

strength to the body and soul.”

-John Muir

These are pictures of my garden, which is not dead even though it has seriously only rained like 2 times in the last 3 months. :) Yay, me! This is my place that John Muir talks about. Anytime I am outside in the garden I think about the Psalm that says “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” When I'm in nature I see God and am reminded of whose shelter I dwell in and in whose shadow I am able to find rest.

Padre's Day

2011-06-19T06:14:00.000-07:00

There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself.

John Gregory Brown

Thank you for that gold thread, Daddy. I love you.

God is...

2011-06-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

Important Things I learned in my Twenties:

#1 God is...

I used to dislike that scripture where God says to Moses "I am". Moses is like hey God can you tell me a little about yourself and God just says "I am"? Really? That was confusing to me at the time. I wanted clarity about who God was and I was not at a place where I could understand that sometimes the simplest answers are the best answers.

The whole "I am" thing messed with me for a while and then about 3 years ago I came across a random scripture in Isaiah. I had been reading the bible for several years but not getting a ton out of it. I wanted to learn from scripture but it was hard to sit and focus and I kept trying to read Revelations which was freaking me out. :) All of a sudden this word from Isaiah 61:1-3 opened up not only who God is but who I am in Him.

Isaiah 61:1-3:

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,

   because the LORD has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
   to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
   and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.

Reading this scripture for the first time was like a breath of fresh air. All of a sudden I knew what God meant when he said to Moses "I am". God is the only thing that can take a sinner like me and give me hope and a future. He "is" because he calls those who are the least and loves them abundantly and invites me to do the same.

In my twenties God became real. He was no longer a story in a book about a dude and giant fish. He was and is everything to me. I am thankful for the last decade because of the transformation in my life that is due solely to His love. On the eve of my thirtieth year I take comfort in Christ my redeemer and my ability in Him to overcome anything... even turning 30 :)

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

2011-06-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

Important things I learned in my twenties
#2 Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle - Plato

I remember the first time I ever truly saw poverty. It was in Africa and I remember meeting people that literally had nothing and thinking “well this isn’t ok.” I was outraged that there were places in this world where a child could starve to death and no one bats an eye…Then I came back to the states and looked around and saw people that had everything but didn’t know God or who were abusers or victims or prisoners of their mind and spirit and I realized that spiritual poverty is just as crippling and binding as financial poverty, if not more so. I hadn’t noticed it before because I was thoroughly and completely occupied with myself. As an angsty teenager/early 20’s gal (Side note: if listening to Dashboard Confessional as a teenager doesn’t make you angsty I don’t know what does!) I could only see my own problems. In turning inward and only looking at myself I became carried away in my issues and addictions.

As I began to work the 12 steps in recovery and address some of my own hurts I learned a valuable lesson in thinking of others. The 12^th step is “ Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs”. This step is all about taking our own pain and using the lessons we’ve learned to help those around us. When I can help someone else it takes the focus off of myself and that’s a good thing, fo sho.

The shift in thinking about myself to thinking about others has been a difficult one and I admit that I am still pretty dang self centered and that there are days when I am totally the opposite of kind to those around me regardless of their battle. Being kind comes more naturally the closer I move to Christ. And when I can surrender to God I can look at people and truly see their hurts and their hearts and not just pass them by, but speak a word of kindness to them; or just give them a smile. You would be amazed at how often my day is made by a small act of charity or kindness. A call from a friend at just the right time, someone praying for me in my car in the parking lot of Blue Baker ;) or receiving a card with a message of hope inside. These are just a few examples of how others graciously see my battles and extend a helping hand. I want to repay the generosity that has been shown to me. In my twenties I have learned that people are not to be discarded or discounted because of their hard battles but that it’s my calling to encourage where I can and love each person that I meet in Christ’s name.

Two is Better Than One

2011-06-13T07:24:00.000-07:00

Important things I learned in my Twenties:
#'s 5,4 & 3 - Be in Community
Being in Community is so important to me that I'm listing it as #'s 5-3. Also, I completely forgot I was doing a countdown for a couple of days... not even 30 and my mind's slippin ;)

Moving to College Station was hard for me. It is not a very Jenny place. The first few years I lived here I languished because I did not have a strong sense of community. I had a job I liked and friends there that I hung out with who were great. But I wasn't involved in Christian community like a small group or sunday school class or anything. When hard times come and you lack things like accountability and the ability to be vulnerable with people (all things, in my opinion, that only come from living in authentic community with others) you tend to think you have to do everything on your own.

About 3 years ago my small group started meeting. In the beginning there was only 8 of us meeting weekly at my house. I don't think any of us knew what we were doing and we played a lot of Rock Band and Dirty Uno in the early days as opposed to being in scripture and developing our faith life :) But, we loved each other and lived our lives together and somewhere along the way we began to move closer to God. I remember one night in particular that stands out to me when I think about the love that has been shown to me in my community. I was living with my friend Angie at the time and our small group met at our place. At the end of one of our meetings I got a phone call that really shook me and I had to leave my house for several hours to try to diffuse a very tense situation. When I came back home two of my friends were there to greet me and to listen to me cry in the driveway. It was 12:30 on a Tuesday night and they had stayed to make sure I was ok. The whole small group had stayed until 11:00 or so, praying for me and intermittently watching Chris Farley SNL DVD's. :) I was so blown away by their love for me. These people all had busy lives and jobs and spouses and yet their primary concern on that night was that one of the members of their community was struggling and they were not about to let me struggle alone.

I love this scripture in Ecclesiastes, it captures what my small group truly means to me " It's better to have a partner than go it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps, But if there's no one to help, it gets tough!" (The MSG) I fall down. My small group and my recovery group help me get back up. I have been shown more kindness and grace by these people than I ever thought possible. I have learned in my twenties that community matters because I am most myself when I am surrounded by other believers who correct gently and encourage and bless. I have seen miracles happen and lives be changed when we work together as a community to love each other in Christ's name.

Keep It Simple, Stupid.

2011-06-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

Important things I learned in my twenties:
#6 K.I.S.S. - Keep it Simple, Stupid.
Sometimes life gets real complicated. Between work and different commitments I have at church or in recovery or with my family things can get stressful. When I get stressed I tend to get over committed and burned out and when that happens I wind up just spinning in circles. When everything falls apart or when I get stretched way to thin I remember to K.I.S.S. I keep it simple, stupid.

Keeping it simple to me means things like:

Back Porchin it

Live Music (Sufjan Stevens, Dallas TX 10/10)

Gardening

Being next to water of any kind.

More gardening

Walking the dogs, crafting, hanging out with the fam, prayer, worship, reading a good book in my favorite chair. All these things calm me down when everything else seems wrong. I stop being in the middle of the crazy and I take a minute to enjoy the things that make my life beautiful. I can then move forward with whatever task is at hand in a better spirit than when I began it.

In my twenties I learned to take a breath. To sit still. To keep it simple.

High heels aren't worth it

2011-06-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

Important things I learned in my twenties:
# 7 High Heels Aren't Worth It
I was raised in Rockwall, TX. If you don't know what that means, then you are not a Rockwallian. A large portion of the town is uber rich. Like every third car in the RHS parking lot was a BMW and girls bought their $1,000 prom dresses at Neiman's rich. Being a part of the small percentage of regular middle class people in Rockwall was an interesting thing to go through as a teenage girl. I was awkward and of course thought that all 109 lbs of me was hideous. Not having value in myself I tried to make up for it by doing whatever everyone else was doing. Which meant awesome ideas like wearing high heels every day to school. Heels bump up my 5 foot self to a good 5"3 (and at 5"3 I am only 2 inches away from being of normal stature. so close.) And when faux leather pants were in, I bought some of those too. They were painfully tight and itchy and I'm pretty sure I looked like a much chubbier version of Sandra Dee in Grease. Yikes. I didn't ever go out of the house without makeup and I convinced myself that this was normal behavior.

For the most part I kept up fairly well with the Joneses. Deep down I knew I was miserable. Trying to look so confident and put together when you feel like a huge goober all the time is hard work. I remember wearing heels on a date one time for like 5 hours as we walked around Deep Ellum. I literally could not walk the next day. I had been so concerned with how I looked that I had physically injured myself. I realized that my sense of self and self worth might be a little warped......

It was about that time that I went to college at UNT. To call the move from Rockwall to Denton a culture shock is an understatement. (Much like when I moved from Denton to College Station :)) I was surrounded by hippies. Glorious, slightly smelly, non judgmental hippies. They didn't care if I wore high heels to class or if I never put on makeup again. They were lovely. In the midst of them I learned to dress like how I wanted to. I like to look nice. I hate to be uncomfortable or hot or itchy. I love makeup. But I don’t have to wear it to the flippin grocery store. I dress in bright colors because I think it’s fun and I buy big bangley bracelets because of the sounds they make as they clink together.

In my twenties I have learned what it means to be me in dress and in poise. That I am not defined by my appearance but by my heart. There is something rewarding about getting up every day and looking in the mirror and being ok with what I see. Even when I’m in running shorts and an old t-shirt. And though I have been guilty of buying a few pairs of heels in my twenties I mostly rock the sandal, strapless dress, cardigan ensemble. :)
Cause it’s comfy, and colorful, and truly me.

My mom was right

2011-06-08T06:55:00.000-07:00

Important things I learned in my 20's:

#8 My Mom was Right (but please don't tell her)

My mom and I are the two most opposite people on the planet personality wise. That, coupled with me being a "challenging" teenager, made for some pretty epic arguments in the Sasser household. I remember my mom getting on to me about stuff and thinking to myself that she literally did not know anything about life and certainly did not know anything about me. She had ways of busting me right in the middle of doing something real bad. Like the time she opened the passenger door of my homecoming dates car while we were in the driveway kissing, I fell out of the car and landed at her feet. She just looked at me and in a trembling rage pointed towards the house. Terrifying.

The point is we fought a lot because I was a dumb headstrong kid who thought I was smarter than everybody else. During my mid- late twenties I found myself relying on that funny southern wisdom my mother imparted to me more and more. I started calling her when I was sad or scared about something instead of avoiding her. And when she talked I listened to her and I found a woman who has endless grace and mercy in any and all situations. I want to emulate my moms caring heart and unwavering work ethic. We made each other nuts for 20 years and now she makes me a better person. From delivering scathing sarcasm with a lovely smile on her face, to going hunting in her pearls ("a lady always wears pearls!"), to buying school supplies for the poor kids in her class that can't afford it, she is the bomb.

Here are some of my favorite Emilieism's:

Why would anyone buy the cow if the milk is free, Jenny?

On the days you feel your worst, look your best. That'll show 'em.

Garbage In = Garbage Out

That boys gonna get somebody pregnant. (ps - he totally did! good call, mom!)

Please don't leave this house with your butt hanging out of your shorts.

The maid is not coming to pick up after you today.

You and I are about to have a "come to Jesus" moment.

3-Oh!

2011-06-07T07:24:00.000-07:00

I think this cake is awesome. It combines pessimism and baked goods.

My two favorite things! In 9 days I will be turning 30. I am trying not to be nuts about it. In my process I decided to make a list about things I learned in my twenties that are invaluable to my almost dirty-thirty self.

I'm going to post one a day until D-day.

Enjoy the wisdom of the ages! ;)

Important things I learned in my 20's

#9 This too shall pass

When I would complain about something as a child my Nonny would say to me "Whatever you got going on, Jenny - it is temporary. This too shall pass." As a kid/ young adult I was always taken out by hardships because I would get caught up in the tragedy of the moment and I would sink. The thing is, painful things come for sure, but then they go. I learned in my 20's that whatever I'm feeling is temporary. I may not be able to look down the road and think about next year or even next month but I can take things one day at a time until the sun starts to shine again. When I find myself in the midst of a "This too shall pass" kindof a moment I now know what I need to do not just to survive the storm but to thrive in it. In the hard times I pray, and I sit outside for an hour in the morning and listen to the birds and journal and I drive to Austin to see Katy and Naomi and eat love dip and cry. I talk to my small group or I have coffee with a friend or I help someone else so that I can be reminded that I am not the only person who has struggles. I am thankful for my 20's because I learned how to be more me, if that makes sense. There is strength in me that I didn't know existed.

That I wouldn't have ever known existed but for the trials of this last decade of my life.

If you're going through hell, just keep going!

This too shall pass.

Invincible Summer

2011-06-03T06:37:00.000-07:00

“In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.”

-Albert Camus

Love this quote. May you rise up to greet the winter with an open mind and trusting heart.

Road Runners & Locusts

2011-05-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten" Joel 2:24-26

I went on a walk earlier this week in Concan, TX. It was hilly, I was tired and grumpy and wanted to turn back but something told me to keep going. I turned a bend and ran almost smack dab into a road runner. He was maybe 10 yards away from me just standing in the middle of the road looking at me. He stared. I stared. And then he ran away. As I watched him take off the above scripture from Joel popped into my head.

It may seem random because this scripture is about locusts and I was looking at a bird. And yet I don't think it was random at all. I needed to see that road runner, needed to be reminded of God's beauty in nature. Needed to hear clearly that although things are hard and the skies are a little dark because of the locust clouds that God is with me. He's present in every small moment of my life. In the darkest nights he uses a road runner to remind me that he loves me....which sounds crazy and awesome and doesn't make any sense and isn't that just how those signs from God usually work?

I continued my walk. Even though I was tired and things were hilly. My hope had been restored.

He knew I needed to see His presence to keep going. I am thankful to the Lord for knowing me. For always giving me what I need even when I don't even know what to ask for.

Let the Rain

2011-05-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

Love this song. Love this CD. Love what she says about fear before she starts playing. Fear based decision making is something I'm pretty awesome at. So, this song speaks volumes to me.

Change is happening in my life. Some of it good, some of it bad.
But it's happening man, so it looks like I have two choices:
1. To run away from everything that scares me and everything that could hurt me and hide under my bed.
2. Let the rain come. Full well knowing that it's gonna hurt and be terrifying but always clinging to the fact that - "The Lord will fight for me - I need only to be still." Exodus 14:14.

Bring it, life. I ain't never scared.

Surprised by Joy

2011-05-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

CS Lewis is my hero. Fo' real. I first read Screwtape Letters about 7 years ago and ever since then I pick one Lewis book a year to read. I pace myself because unfortunately the man is dead and will never write another of his fabulous life-changing all-consuming books. So, I take it slowly and savor each word on every page of his books. I just started reading Surprised by Joy. It's sweet and funny and, like most of what Lewis has to say, is an astoundingly brilliant summation of the differences between Joy, happiness, and pleasure.

Lewis claims that real Joy is something that you can neither capture nor create. True Joy exists in those moments when we take the time to notice God and his love. We can invite joy in to our lives but we can not reproduce it for our needs or our benefit.

For instance, I was surprised by joy this morning as I woke up to water my garden and spotted a Ruby Throated Hummingbird at the Butterfly Bush in my backyard. I stood stone still for like 10 minutes and watched him flitting from here to there. It was humbling, and touching, and exactly what I needed in order to restore my hope in humanity before I got ready to go in for the day. That hummingbird was my definition of Joy. . I can invite joy into my life by taking time to notice the beauty around me and although I can't force the hummingbirds to just show up I can do everything in my power to cultivate a space that will attract them.

I can't make Joy. I can't create it. But, it exists all around me. If Joy is Love and all Love comes from God then I am immersed in Joy. Most of the time I am just too busy to see it, to cultivate it, to invite it in to my life.

But, in those moments where I am actually open to the possibility of Joy, I am always surprised at the beautiful ways in which God is made present in my life.

It's like Strawberry Wine.

2011-05-06T07:13:00.000-07:00

That thing that I've been avoiding my whole life is right around the corner.......I'm closing in on 30. I thought I was handling it rationally and normally. But then I started listening to Strawberry Wine by Deana Carter on repeat yesterday and yelling the part about "I still remember when 30 was old" while vacuuming so I feel like maybe I have had a minor mental break down in regards to my aging. I do remember when 30 was old, when my biggest fears were if that boy in AP English even knew that I existed and would my parents extend my curfew for prom night. I remember thinking that 30 was a llllooooonnnnngggggg way off and that when I eventually reached the age that started with the hated # 3 that I would have it all figured out.

I'd officially be an adult with like a life plan or something........

Epic fail on the life plan.

But, what I do have is a slight affinity for crying along with cheesy 90's country music, a much larger butt going out of my twenties than I had coming in to them, and a strong inkling that maybe I should start considering Botox...like yesterday.

T-minus 42 days and counting.

V is for Victory

2011-04-27T10:02:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling a little gun shy about Easter for the past few years.
It's supposed to be a time of celebration but it has been more of a time for mourning for me in my personal life. Hard things keep happening this time of year. Like my grandmother dying, or my marriage taking a nose dive two Good Friday's ago, or a cancer diagnosis for a loved one. So, this year I was a little hesitant to enter into the Lenten season with a reflective heart and a quiet and gentle spirit because, shoot, it seemed like that I was just setting myself up to be disappointed. (A very mature approach to the Easter season, for sure :))

That all changed when I walked The Stations of the Cross about three weeks ago. The object of the Stations is to help the faithful to make a spiritual pilgrimage of prayer, through meditating upon the chief scenes of Christ's sufferings and death. Since most people couldn't make it to Israel back in the day, walking the Stations of the Cross was a way to feel close to Jesus and his experience, even if you couldn't physically walk where he walked. With each Station there is a question along with scripture to help you get centered and to really think about how Jesus must have felt.

I was halfheartedly going through the motions at first, until I got to the Station about the stone at Jesus' tomb being rolled away. The question that accompanied it called me out of my self pity and forced me to look into the very heart of God, it said:

Do you believe that in every tomb there is a chance for new life in Christ?

Dang. That's really like the question, isn't it? Do I honestly believe, at the end of the day, that no matter what deaths occur in my life (both literal or figurative) that there is a chance for growth and change and hope in Christ? If Jesus is my Redeemer then no matter what tomb I'm faced with, there is always an opportunity for Christ to come into my life and work a tragedy or a fear or a heartache into something beautiful. I mean, Jesus was victorious over the grave, man. And yet, I doubt that he can be victorious over my trials & tribulations? Really? I surrendered my expectations at that Station, with the prompting of that question. It made me realize how small I am, compared to the greatness that is God. And that if God can resurrect His son from the dead, then maybe I should just chill the crap out about the rest of the stuff going on in my life and in my heart.

He didn't promise that things would be easy. The Easter message is not "Follow me and things will be great!" We will have to walk along a painful road and there will be death and fear. But, He did promise that He loves me and that I will never have to carry the cross of my sins because He already did that for me. What an amazing love....... and in that love there is Victory. Over any tomb. Over death itself. Real and true and lasting Victory.

Amen for that.

Come Alive

2011-04-10T14:57:00.000-07:00

Don’t ask what the world needs.
Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it.

Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

– Howard Thurman

What made me come alive today:
worship. conversations with family & good friends. gardening. my puppies. the promise of new life that spring holds.
Hope you had moments that made you come alive today too.

Cosmic Love

2011-04-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

Florence & The Machine. I can not stop listening to them. Their song Cosmic Love is nuts. Like every time I get in the car I have to open the sunroof and listen to it as loud as it will go nuts. Maybe it's because when I hear that song I am reminded of being 17-20 years old. It just sounds a lot like the music I was listening to at that stage of my life. Tori Amos, Ani Difranco, Fiona Apple, Tracy Chapman, Bjork, Mazzy Star; I had those girls playing 24 hours a day.

No wonder I was kind of sad and did a lot of drugs ;) Not super happy music. But, still it was the only outlet I had at the time for how I was feeling. I'd cry along with Tori Amos in the car or yell with Ani Difranco in my room. I think I listened to them because they made me feel a little more empowered. A little brave, maybe. On the edge of being a woman but still very much acting like a nutso teenage girl, they helped me transition into myself.

It's funny how you can be 10 years removed from a time in your life and you can hear a song and be right back in that moment. Right back sitting in the car with that boy that was ruining your life but you loved him anyway. Right back driving to Oklahoma on a school night to see Ani Difranco all while your mom thought you were spending the night at a friends house to work on an AP English project.

So many moments linked to the music that was playing in the background of my life.

These are my favorites:

Silent all these Years - Tori Amos (ignore the fact that this video is super 1990's)

Fiona Apple - Love Ridden

Ani Difranco - 32 Flavors

Tracy Champman - The Promise

Bjork- It's oh so Quiet

Mazzy Star - Fade into You

Keep Calm & Carry On

2011-03-31T10:12:00.000-07:00

I've been in my small group for a long time. It's crazy to me that we have been together now for three years. I think about all the changes we've had...we've lost some and gained others, we've gotten married, had babies, fallen in love, had our hearts broken, suffered losses and just lived our lives together. There have been a lot of moments of growth and clarity for me in small group but this past Tuesday night was something really special. We were talking about intercessory prayer and the scripture was read about the 4 friends that carried a crippled man on a mat to see Jesus. They faced a lot of obstacles in their journey. The place where Jesus was was crowded and they could not fit into the space while carrying their handicapped friend. So they carried him to the roof and tore a hole and lowered him down to Jesus. Jesus saw the man and saw his friends and he healed him. Not because of the crippled man's faith but because of his friends faith.

We were then asked to do an exercise where we envisioned someone we loved that was far from God. We pictured ourselves and others carrying them to Jesus. It was one of the most powerful things I have ever done. I have been interceding in prayer for someone for years. For more than a decade really and sometimes I get stuck and frustrated in my prayer. I wonder why the crap they're so heavy and why the crowd is so big. I want to push my way through so that they can know Jesus and be overwhelmed by the love and forgiveness of Christ. But I stop because of the obstacles in my way. And instead of tearing a hole and finding a rope and proceeding in faith I turn back because the situation seems impossible.

In doing this exercise I realized how crazy it is to fret and give up because the room is too crowded or because I forgot my rope or because my strength is waning. Me giving up when things get hard is a clear indicator that I am relying on my will and strength and not God's will and strength.

I, in turn, was very overwhelmed by the realization of just how much love my small group has offered me over the course of the last 3 years for there have been many a time when I was the person on the mat. The person crippled by fear or anger or by life. I couldn't walk towards Jesus. And they carried me to Him. They didn't turn back when the road got rough, they didn't hesitate to tear a hole in the roof.

I am here today because of the Godly prayers and love and support of those around me. When I had no faith, when I did not know the Lord, they had faith and hope for me. They interceded for me...and that has made all the difference.

There are obstacles in life. There are times when it seems that our prayers for others go unheard. But that is because we cannot see what He sees. I don't have to know all the answers or the hows or whys. That's not what intercessory prayer is about. It's about asking for help and pouring out our love for someone and petitioning to God on their behalf. He will take care of the details. All I have to do is to continue to carry them to Him in my prayers and petitions. He hears me and He will respond in His love and in His time.

Thanks to those who've carried me to Jesus.

It is well with my soul.

2011-03-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

As I cling to the last scraps of Spring Break, I feel blessed to have had time in my favorite place this week. Every year since I was 15 my family has gone to the ranch of one of my dads' friends right outside of Kerville. I have traveled to a lot of places in my life. South Africa, the Caribbean, Europe, Canada, pretty much all of the cool states etc. and no place rivals the beauty of this ranch to me. It is a place where I can go and be silent and still and listen to the hundreds of Canyon Wrens right outside our front porch. Where we can fish or kayak or swim and where most importantly we can just be together as a family.

I am thankful that there is a place in this world where I can go and no matter what is going on in my life, my soul can be at rest. Where I can go and be restored in the presence of God and nature and where I can reflect on the beauty of my surroundings.

I hope you have a place like that too.

Creativity & Suffering

2011-03-11T08:59:00.000-08:00

I am crapping around today because it's almost Spring Break....and in the midst of working and procrastinating and then working some more I found this article :
http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/02/13/my-faith-suffering-my-way-to-a-new-tomorrow/

It's by Rob Bell and it's all about how suffering and how loss can lead us into something infinitely more beautiful than where we were before, if we trust God in the midst of our pain.

Suffering causes us to revise our plans. It causes us to get creative in our lives...to stray from the norm, to not embrace banality or mediocrity. We have to choose between being defined by the bad things that have happened in our lives or using the bad things as a catalyst to something better. I have been looking backward and concentrating a lot on the "what ifs" in my life. What if this happened, what if that had never taken place etc....and there is no serenity in the what ifs...no opportunities for change. Only backward thinking and despair come about when you are living in the past.

The question we all should be asking ourselves is "what's next". Yes, this bad thing happened. Yes, it hurts and it has thrown a wrench in your plans. But, it is over. It is done. And now it's time to look up into the sky and ask "What's next, for me Lord?"

Rob Bell, the heretic?

2011-03-02T07:40:00.000-08:00

This is Rob Bell. If you have ever watched a Nooma DVD or read Drops Like Stars, Sex God, or Jesus Wants to Save Christians then you are familiar with him. He has a new book coming out on March 29th called "Love Wins". Rob Bell is a relevant speaker and pastor of Mars Hill church which is a very large very progressive church in Michigan.

So, I was a little surprised yesterday when I was checking out CNN and I saw this headline:Christian Author's book sparks charges of heresy. As I clicked on the link I saw the above picture of Rob and then I read a pretty scathing interview with Justin Taylor who writes for the Gospel Coalition. In the article Taylor comments that he hasn't read Rob's book but that he is certain that he is a heretic. Then I clicked on the link to Taylor's actual blog which started this whole firestorm in the first place. And I proceeded to read an article that was, in my opinion, skewered with assumption and with hatred.

Now friends, let me just say that this whole stink over a book that hasn't even come out yet (a book by a man that clearly loves Jesus and preaches the mercy and grace of Christ) over a supposed opinion of who is in heaven and who is in hell is exactly the reason why people hate us and the reason that we as Christians are looked at as a group of egotistical ninny's who can't get along.

The greatest temptation of Christian's today is to be so self righteous and so arrogant as to think that we know all of the answers. And instead of just saying hey, you love Jesus, I love Jesus, let's set aside our opinions on heaven, hell, shorts wearing in church, when to take communion, and the method in which we are baptized and just love people - we spend our time arguing with each other and accusing one another of heresy because we are right and they are wrong.

Is our faith really so black and white? Or is it about love. Love of God, love of others and the ability to say " I don't know all the details or all of the answers but I do know that God is love and let me take that Godly love and love my neighbor and love those who are hurting and love everyone with the same mercy that God loves me with."

To critique a book that hasn't come out yet and to call a man who loves the Lord a heretic is unjust. Wait to read the book, wait to weigh it against scripture, wait to judge. Scripture is for us to read and apply it to our daily lives, so that we may love others better and so that we may have a deep and meaningful relationship with the Lord. Through that relationship we are able to love well and minister to others. Scripture, to me, is not to be taken and thrown at a perceived enemy so that I can feel superior to and/or justified in my opinions.

Here are the links I've referenced:
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/
http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/03/01/what-is-a-heretic-exactly-in-the-evangelical-church/
Here is a link to Rob Bell's website:
http://www.robbell.com/

Will you be buying Rob's new book? What are your thoughts on Christian's lambasting each other in the media? What are your thoughts on Heaven and Hell?

In his anguish he prayed earnestly.

2011-02-24T14:08:00.000-08:00

I read this quote today from CS Lewis:

"You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death."

It made me think about the trip I took to Africa and how the people that I met there were some of the most joyful earnest bunch of believers I have ever seen. I couldn't figure out why that was since most of the people I met didn't have anything more than a cinder block house, if they were lucky. They certainly didn't have money and a lot of them were living with AIDS or were dealing with the toll AIDS had taken on their family.

I think they were joyful and true and passionate about Christ because they literally had nothing and therefore literally relied on him for their daily bread.....I rely on HEB for my daily bread. I also rely on my paycheck and my own abilities to earn said paycheck. I envied the peeps in Africa because despite having nothing tangible they had everything. Sometimes I feel like we as a society are on the opposite end of that spectrum; we have everything tangible and therefore we have nothing in that we have eliminated our need for Christ.

The times I have been closest to God was when I have had the crap kicked out of me by life and had nothing other than my faith. My daily bread was gone and I had to rely on God for each moment, each breath, each bill that needed to be paid.

In my small group the other night we read that verse about Jesus praying in the Garden of Gesthemine and it said "in his anguish he prayed earnestly". When you are struggling, when you have been broken, when you are afraid for your very life we tend to cut the crap and cry out to Jesus. Why? Because the rug of security has been yanked out from beneath us whether it be from losing our job, our loved ones, maybe even losing ourselves to fear or shame. It is in our true brokenness that we realize we can no longer rely on our selves to make it through.

The provisions I have made for myself are temporary. The security I have created for myself is laughable. All the ways I act and try and strain to protect myself from harm can vanish in an instant. And I am left broken and crying out for my daily bread. If I let it the brokenness can overtake me but if I surrender, I see clearly that this was who I was created to be. Fully relying not on Jenny, but on the grace of God.

I used to strive to live a life devoid of pain and hurt (i.e. I avoided everything and therefore caused myself infinite amounts of pain and hurt). Now, I am certain that those moments when I felt like I was not going to make it were the defining moments in my life. There is beauty in brokenness, there is hope in those moments that seem impossible - because those are the moments in which I allow Christ to come in.

In my anguish there is earnestness.

They will know we are Christians by our Love

2011-02-22T07:11:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite recent memories was when I was at this spiritual retreat called Walk to Emmaus. We sang a lot of old camp style songs that were some of my favorites when I was elementary to high school aged and attending church camp every summer at Camp Bridgeport. I was pumped when we sang "And they'll know we are Christians by our love". The song is a little on the cheesy side but it really talks about living a life that is easily identified as being all about Jesus and his love.

And like most random church camp songs it really permeated into the depths of my brain and I have had it stuck in my head for about 4 months. I walk around humming it, I sing it in my car and in the shower (much to Dylan's delight, I'm sure). It struck me because I was mindlessly singing along with it the other day as I was driving home from a church related function that really rubbed me the wrong way. There are disagreements and arguments and differences of opinion in my church (gasp!) just like in most churches....and I admit that I tend to get caught up in them pretty easily.

We all have certain ideals about how church should be and the "right" way to do things. But the "right" way to do things is not always the loving way and disagreements over whose right and whose wrong can often times be hurtful and hypocritical and lead to a lot of infighting and discourse. I remember a few years ago we had some of the college kids give communion. I was so excited that these guys wanted to be involved and I remember sitting in church thinking "sweet! this is the future of our community of believers and they want to be involved." As I walked out of church I overheard a gaggle of older and very influential peeps throwing a temper tantrum because the college kids were wearing shorts. They were simply outraged that anyone could be so thoughtless as to enter the house of God in khaki shorts. "Where were their ties?" One of the older men cried. And that was the last time for a long time that any college kids got asked to give communion.

I got really angry at their comments. I mean, who the crap cares if somebody wears shorts to church? What a ridiculous thing to get mad about...... But, am I any better? What do I do when someone disagrees with me on the "right" way to lead a small group? Or the "right" music to play during a worship service. I get so caught up with what my opinion is that I let my anger take control and that's when I can do a lot of damage with my words and my actions.

When someone who isn't involved in church or who doesn't know God takes a look at our community of believers and sees resentment and backstabbing what does that speak of to them? Does it speak of Christ's love and his mercy? Or does it speak of a group of people who cannot put their egos aside and have no love other than love of self in their hearts?

It is much easier to criticize and complain than it is to step up and create and serve. Anytime you are in a community of people there will be disagreements. It doesn't mean there are not amicable ways to solve issues so that we can move forward in a spirit of love and kindness. I don't want differing opinions and hurt to be what defines us as a church. Yes, it's hard to serve. Yes, it's hard to put myself aside so that I can follow Christ. Yes, there are things about every church that are broken. Does that mean we give up? Did Christ give up when people spit on him and cursed him and hated him? No. He looked right in their eyes and said "I love you."

I want people to look at me and to look at my church and to "know that we are Christians by our love" not by the steeple on our building, or because we tell everybody we are Christians; but because we love people and because we love each other and stand side by side and work together to help the poor and the underserved in our community.

St. Francis of Assissi said it best (he usually does) when he said "Preach the gospel at all times. And when necessary use words." Our actions speak loudly. The way we care for one another and solve issues speaks loudly. If I say to someone hey I love you, and then turn around and call them a doofus because they don't agree with me, then I am a hypocrite. I am no better than the pharisee that spit upon Jesus and that turned their backs on the bride of Christ.

It's time that I put behind me my likes and dislikes and the fairy tale idea that I have of the perfect church and simply do what God asks me to ; which is to love my neighbor as myself....even if they think differently than I do and even if they happen to wear khaki shorts to church. I shouldn't have to tell people that I love Jesus, it should be evident in the way that I love.

They will know we are Christians by our Love-

We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord
We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord
And we pray that all unity may one day be restored

And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

We will work with each other, we will work side by side
We will work with each other, we will work side by side
And we'll guard each one's dignity and save each one's pride

And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love
By our love, by our love
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand
We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand

And together we'll spread the news that God is in our land
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love
By our love, by our love
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

One more Valentines post!

2011-02-13T18:02:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Valentines Day today. Dylan and I went to Houston and went to lunch at The Grove which was super cool, followed by some shopping, and cupcakes at Crave. Here's a couple of pics of our day:

Dylan and his bloody mary at lunch at The Grove

Me at Crave

Then when we got home I enlisted Dylan's help on making some Valentine Cake Pops I found on Bakerella (you can find a link to her blog on the left). We are having a work V-day party tomorrow and so I thought I'd try them out. You need a box of cake mix, a can of cream cheese icing, chocolate candy coating, cake pop sticks, and fun valentines sprinkles.

First you bake the cake according to the instructions on the box. Once it has cooled you tear the cake into pieces and place them in a bowl.

Then you add your can of cream cheese icing to the cake and mix together.

Once everything is mixed thoroughly use a small ice cream scoop to scoop out little balls of cake. Place the balls on a baking tray with wax paper and put in freezer for about 2 hours (this way the cake balls will be hard and you can dip them in the melted chocolate without them falling apart)

Then melt your chocolate in a deep enough bowl that you can submerge your cake pops. Once chocolate is melted dip your cake pop sticks into the chocolate then insert them into your cake balls. Then dip cake balls into the melted chocolate. Make sure to use a spoon or small icing spreader to wipe off

any excess chocolate.

Put your sprinkles and fun fixings in cupcake wrappers.

I love the the little red, pink, and white sprinkles!

Then dip your cake balls into the sprinkles and voila!

Super cute Valentine Cake Pops!

Disclaimer: We probably messed up more of these than we got right.....Surprisingly I was a little impatient and did not leave the cake balls in the freezer for the full two hours, so we had some issues. But we just ate the ugly ones, so it was a win- win situation. Thanks for your help Dylan! So glad you're my valentine :)

Crepe Paper Rosettes

2011-02-10T19:39:00.000-08:00

I met two of my favorite girls in Austin the other weekend to hang out, catch up, eat a whole box of Thin Mints, and to try our hand at these super cute crepe paper rosettes. It was super fun and all of ours turned out pretty fabulous. I originally got this idea from my favorite place to pilfer ideas: The Idea Room Blog.
The girls were nice enough (and only mocked me a little) when I asked to take pictures of our rosette crafting adventure for my blog.

Directions for Crepe Paper Rosettes

Cut strips of crepe paper into 24 inch strips. crumple them up, to give them some

added texture.

Straighten the crepe paper back out , then fold down the top of the paper 1/3 of the way down.

Then begin to twist the paper holding on to the bottom and forming a little knot so that the crepe paper stays all together. The end result should look like a little rosebud. Repeat like 4 billion times.

Use a hot glue gun to glue your little roses onto a 3 inch styrofoam ball. Each 3 inch ball takes about 45 roses to cover it.

Naomi and her rosette

Kate and her rosette

Moi.

group effort.

When I got home I put one of mine on a candle stick and the other sitting next to it. My plan was to make like 6 or 7 of these guys and then put them in a tall vase.....I made two because they took forever! But I really like how the two look displayed side by side in the living room.

A special shout-out to John for letting us take over his apartment with our crafting for like 6 hours. You're the bomb, John! I love doing anything with Kate and Naomi, they are quite literally the two best friends a girl could ask for. Anytime we get together you know there's going to be lots of laughter, some tears, and anything chocolate better get the hell out of our way :) Love you girls, thanks for crafting with me!

Valentines Cards

2011-01-30T13:04:00.000-08:00

My Mom and I have been getting together for about 5 years now to make cards. We go and sit out in my parents little guest house for hours at a time and just talk and create. It's always one of our most blessed times together. I love making cards for any and all occasions but Valentines day is probably my favorite! For all you grumpy-pantses who complain about V-day being too commercial.......

Maybe you wouldn't be so grumpy if you got more valentines :)

Anyhoo, Here's what we used for our card making fun: (all of this was purchased at Michaels)

-Martha Stewart Valentines Paper (she is kindof an awful lady but her card making stuff is the bomb)

- Elmers Clear Drying Glue Stick

-Red Glitter Pen

-Martha Stewart Vanletines Stickers

-Hot pink, light pink, and red ribbon

-Pearlized Scrabook paper

-Cutesy Valentines Stamps and Pink Ink

-Stickles

Martha Stewart seriously brings it with her valentines paper selection.

I always like to use red glitter pens for the envelopes. It just makes it more fun! Also, I think it's super cute to stamp a little something in the corner of each of your envelopes. This little lady bug was precious.

We used all these different stickers and seals for the backs of the envelopes.

I love that each of her papers had a cute reverse side to them too. So many fun choices!

This card was by far my favorite! I love the key and heart paper! And the pearlized paper that we used for the little tags really made them standout. Then we just added some stickles to the little gold heart and voila! I really like wrapping the ribbon several times around the card. I just think it adds something extra to the appearance.

Next I'll post some super cute kissing balls my friends Kate and Naomi and I made. They were time consuming but precious. Happy almost Valentines Day!

Valentines Topiary

2011-01-21T07:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I am officially in love with the Idea Room Blog! The gal that writes it must have creativity coming outta her butt. I decided to tackle her Valentines Topiary idea last weekend. Dylan was gone and so I settled down and watched like 6 episodes of 30 Rock while I cut out all the little felt circles that this project requires.
The end result is this guy:

This thing is so stinkin cute! It makes me happy every time I walk through the kitchen!
Here's the link to the Topiary- http://www.theidearoom.net/2010/01/valentines-topiary.html
Check out some of her other valentines craft ideas. They are amazing!

Crafty Continued

2011-01-18T10:02:00.000-08:00

I've been keeping up with my New Years resolution to be crafty. Crafty like a fox :). Here are some valentines wreaths I've been working on. You can find the pattern for them at The Idea Room Blog http://www.theidearoom.net/. I don't know how the heck this lady comes up with all this stuff but I can tell you with certainty that she does not have a full-time job.

These wreaths are super cute but a little time consuming. They are pretty idiot proof though, which is a good thing for some of us novice crafters. Excuse the messy couch, Dylan was hanging out reading The Art of Warfare. How's that for a relaxing Sunday afternoon book?

Next post I'll show my favorite thing I've made so far! A valentines topiary. It's way cute and idiot proof as well :)

feeling crafty

2011-01-08T09:51:00.000-08:00

About a month ago I blogged about how much happier I am when I am in the midst of creating something. Since I came to that realization I have really been trying to take time every week or so to sit down and do something crafty.

For Christmas I made Dylan's Mom, Sister and Grammy a set of 10 notecards each. These cards were all different types: Halloween, Christmas, etc. This Halloween one was my favorite!

Then my friend Karen's baby shower was last night and I have always wanted to try to make a diaper cake but none of my slacker friends besides Karen are having any babies ;). Anyhoo, I got these cute polka dot diapers at Target and used a bottle of Johnson and Johnson baby lotion as the center. It took a while because each individual diaper had to be rolled up and secured with a rubber band and then placed around the base of the lotion. But I think it turned out pretty darn cute!

My next project I found on the Vanilla Tulip Blog to your right ---> and it is a super cute valentines wreath made of felt. I am off to Michaels to get the stuff I need to start crafting.

I super suck at New Years Resolutions so the only one I made this year was to be more crafty. 7 days into the New Year and one craft project completed and one just starting out and I think I'm doing pretty good :)

Check back with me in February to see if I'm still on my crafty streak. It's just really super fun for me to sit down at the kitchen table with a cupcake, a glass of milk, listen to some Mumford & Sons and make something cute with my own two hands.

Love that will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you - It will set you free

2011-01-03T10:10:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to Mumford & Sons a lot lately. Like a wwwhhoooolllleeee lot. I love their song Sigh No More and I love this part in particular:

Love that will not betray you,
dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man
you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
At my heart you see,
The beauty of love
as it was made to be

This has made me think a lot about love. What I love, what I value, who represents love to me and so on and so forth. It has also made me think in particular about my current line of work. That in fact, I do not love what I do. There is nothing wrong with my job and in hard economic times I feel very grateful to be employed at all.
I'm having a hard time figuring out if I am just super idealistic about life and work in general....(scratch that, I know that I am super idealistic). Is my wanting and longing to be a part of something bigger and better than just the norm a childish notion that I need to give up as I get older and as my fiscal responsibilities become greater? The things I want to do i.e. ministry, recovery, starting a church etc are things that I currently cannot get paid for (not for my lack of trying, mind you.) and I cannot not get paid. So, for now I do what I can. I spend my days sitting behind a desk. A desk that provides job security and a good paycheck and health insurance. And I feel like I am slowly dying inside.

How melodramatic is that! But, it's true. I am not using my gifts and talents. I am not a part of that community at work that made me a better person and that drove me to be the very best that I could be. I no longer get to talk about God and life and hope and help people who are struggling. And I am so sad about it that I don't want to get up in the mornings and it's all I can do to sit here at my desk and not cry all day.

I am separated from what I love. And what I love is ministry. Adult Ministry jobs are in short supply these days since it's the first place churches cut when they are feeling the sting of this hard economy. While I don't blame anyone for where I am, I am frustrated.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or how I could be looking any harder for something that will fulfill this ache inside my heart. I feel like I'm in that "Dark Night of the Soul" that St. Teresa of Avilla talked about. Or as Britt so awesomely named it "The black closet of hell or whatever". I am distant from God and I am distant from my hearts cry and I hate it. But, for the life of me I can't find my way back.

I know the underlying lesson in this is that God calls us to love him and to love each other. That's it. He never promised me I'd have the job of dreams. He never promised me that I would be fulfilled by my employment. He promised me that he is enough for me. So, why can't I take him at his word and why do I let those feelings of discontent creep in? He'll use me for good no matter where I am. And on my good days I can see that I am blessed to be employed by a place that is honest and where people are kind and that I do have opportunities that are interesting and have helped me expand my skills.

I know that in my head. But I currently do not know it or believe it in my heart. That doesn't mean I've given up on my search or that I 'm giving in to despair....It just means that I will continue to get up and look for that love that will not betray, dismay or enslave but that will set me free. So that I can be more like the person I was made to be.

Instead of a partridge or a pear tree......

2010-12-24T06:06:00.000-08:00

I am most thankful for God being in the midst. I don't mean that in a cheesy way like "Dear 8 lb baby Jesus" or anything...but I do believe very much that God is present and that he loves. Christmas is a time of family and friends. And I am humbled every year to be a part of a family and in a community of believers who invite God into the midst. Whatever 2010 has been like, we are still here. Still standing and still loved fully by God.
I think about the lines to my fav hymn Come Thou Fount:

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

This is Christmas to me. I kindof suck. I runaway from God a million times and he lovingly brings me back in. My heart goes astray and I ask for His strength and mercy and he covers me in it. Without his grace, I am nothing. With his grace, I am his. And that's pretty much all I could ever ask for....that he know my name and that he loves me.
Merry Christmas and Blessings to you and yours!

2 weird lookin sugar cookies

2010-12-23T14:06:00.000-08:00

My second favorite thing about Christmas is baking sugar cookies with my family. We make the typical sugar cookies like your reindeer and Christmas trees and all that good stuff. But then we also make stingrays with cowboy hats, ghosts, whales with blowholes, manatees, zombie ducks and tyrannosaurus rex's.

We get the giggles so bad that we can't even finish frosting all the cookies. I can't figure out how to post pictures of them on this blog from my stupid phone. But I'll post some later.
Almost Christmas! Yay!

3 French truffles

2010-12-22T05:27:00.000-08:00

Christmas = eating too much

And the very best place to get more than your fill of candy/goodies/perfect awesome tasty stuff is The Wiseman House in Hico, Tx. My parents used to live in the Dallas area and I will be the first to admit that I was a little uneasy about them moving to a small hill country town of population zero when they first announced their plans to us. What the heck are we going to do in the sticks? But then we found Hico. A wonderfully weird old town that's trying to revitalize it's downtown. It has antique stores and boutiques and the most wonderful little chocolatier that I have ever been too! The Wiseman House is right off the square in a hundred year old house and serves beautiful handmade truffles, every kind of fudge you can think of,chocolate covered toffee, drinking chocolate and much more. Every year at Christmas my family goes together to pick out our favorites! I'm a fan of the Wild Woman and Snooki truffles myself.

If you ever find yourself in Hico...which I don't know why you would, check it out!
www.wisemanhousechocolates.com.

4 tasty pheasants

2010-12-21T06:42:00.000-08:00

Our Christmas dinner doesn't come from a store. But rather a field in Kansas. Every year for the last 4 years my family and Dylan go pheasant hunting in October. My mom makes an awesome baked pheasant with apple stuffing. It's seriously one of the best meals I have ever eaten. I do not partake in the hunting as I am squeemish and the only time I was ever talked into going bird hunting Dylan shot a dove that then landed on my foot and one of his "dead" birds came alive again in his hunting vest on the way home. That was a little too much for me to handle :) But, I will gladly eat what they kill any day of the week!

Here's to Christmas dinner that you kill and cook yourself....or that someone you love kills and cooks for you anyway.

5 golden ring......

2010-12-20T09:11:00.000-08:00

pops!!!

I love, love, love Christmas stockings on Christmas morning at the Sasser house! Santa goes all out. We get good stuff like gift cards and makeup and then we get the funny stuff like soda and mentos for an exploding good time outside, or those reindeer that poop brown jelly beans or those wacky wall walkers that stick to everything. Last year we got lumps of coal and yellow snow candy. I was talking to my brother about Dylan and I thinking about having kids and Zach looked at me very seriously and said "But then we won't get fun stocking stuff on Christmas morning because mom'll spend all her money on your kids!"

Notice that we still don't have any kids ;)

6 plants a blooming

2010-12-19T18:05:00.000-08:00

Christmas time = Narcissus (also commonly know as Paper Whites).

Narcissus are my favorite plant. They are easy to grow (even for us black thumbs) and they smell wonderful!

My Nonny used to grow them every year at Christmas time from bulbs....having them reminds me of who she was when I was little. She always took time to talk to me about the importance of having a garden or planting a tree. While you may not always get to see the fruits of your labor you do leave the world a better, more beautiful place for someone else.

This year I planted 6 narcissus bulbs in November and now we are covered up in blossoms at the Misslin house. I love traditions like that that make you feel connected to your family and your past.

7 swans a barfing....

2010-12-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

All because of that ugly Christmas sweater!

I Love Christmas and all things related to Christmas decorating... However I am a firm believer in not decorating yourself for Christmas. There are ugly Christmas sweaters galore out there! Some are puff painted, some have light up reindeer, some have lace wings on the iron-on angles. Vomit.

But I am totally on board with the ugly Christmas sweater party trend that is going around.
Where the ridiculousness of the ugly Christmas sweater can be openly mocked and laughed at.

We've got an ugly Christmas Sweater Party to go to tonight and I whipped up a fantastic one for myself out a velour track suit and christmas bows. I found Dylan's in the plus size lady side of the local Goodwill. It's going to be glorious!

This is another fantastic ugly Christmas sweater! :

This maid will have plenty of time to milk...

2010-12-17T12:47:00.000-08:00

because of Christmas Break!!!!

This guy obviously knows how to party! There are lots of things that aren't super great about my job...or any job for that matter. But this will be the second year that I have been blessed by working in a school district and taking full advantage of a 14 day Christmas break! Ohhhh Christmas Break! Pajamas all day! Reorganizing closets! Spending Christmas money! Watching all the Harry Potters in a row! Not bathing!
Sweet, glorious Christmas Break!

Mine starts...right....about....now!!!!!

the 9 ladies may need to get to dancing after these....

2010-12-16T07:36:00.000-08:00

My lovely mom's pecan pies!

Now friends, you may think you have had pecan pie or fudge pecan pie and you may think that someone in your family is really good at fixing said pies....but I promise you that you have never had a pecan pie until you have eaten Momma Sasser's pecan pies. One year she couldn't make her fudge pecan pie for thanksgiving, so I made it. I had her recipe and I tried to follow all the random little instructions and seriously like no one ate the pie. I don't know how she does it or what her secret is or why her cooking genes were not passed down to me (I only got her bad eye-sight & poor distemperment in the grocery store line genes) but no one else can make her pies.

Try to weasel an invitation out of her for Christmas and you may get lucky enough to score a piece of heaven.

This'll get your 10 Lords a Leapin........

2010-12-15T07:57:00.000-08:00

Santa's Wonderland!!!!!

Santa's Wonderland is the best thing about Aggieland! It's acres and acres of Christmas lights and decorations and different Christmas scenes. You can take a hayride through the park and get hot chocolate and kettle corn from Santa's Village. If you take your car tune your radio to the AM station posted at the front of the park and you can hear classic Christmas music by Frank Sinatra and Gene Autry as you drive past the Aggie Bonfire, Jesus is Risen, and Santa's Elves scenes. It makes me feel like a giddy 10 year old everytime we even drive past it on the highway.

Check it- http://www.santas-wonderland.com/main.htm

on the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me.....

2010-12-14T07:20:00.000-08:00

....A super hipster Christmas CD!

Sufjan Steven's Songs for Christmas CD is my very favorite Christmas CD ever! I start listening to it on November 1st and do not stop until January 1st. And occasionally I may or may not bust it out in the summer. It's so beautiful with a great mix of classics and Sufjan originals. The icing on the cake is that Come Thou Fount is on this CD which is my favorite song of all time. It's not your mothers Christmas CD and is definitely not for the traditional types. But nuts to those traditional types.

If you're a Christmas Hipster it is a must have.
http://www.amazon.com/Songs-Christmas-Sufjan-Stevens/dp/B000HLDF0O - purchase it here!

12 days of Christmas

2010-12-13T09:06:00.000-08:00

In order to help prolong this Holly-Jolly mood I'm in today, I'm going to do a Countdown to Christmas. Starting today until Christmas Eve I'm going to list the things that make Christmas super awesome.

Today being the first day of this countdown I've got to give a big shout-out to my favorite Christmas movie of all time......

The Muppet Christmas Carol

How can you not love The Muppets doing Dickens?! And with Sir Michael Caine as Ebeneezer Scrooge and Gonzo as the narrator its the perfect mixutre of hilarity and vulnerability. We have watched this movie every year on Christmas Eve since it came out. Everyone sings along (even my Dad) and we eat nachos and chips and queso while we wait for Santa.

If you have not seen this movie you need to quit being a Scrooge and get on it, like pronto.

Keep Austin Weird

2010-12-05T20:33:00.000-08:00

I love Austin. There's something so vibrant and alive about that city. Since I can remember I've always wanted to live in Austin. I felt like if I could just make it there, that somehow I would be ok.

So at 18 I begged and pleaded with my parents to let me move there....it took an act of God and much gnashing of teeth but somehow I convinced them and I got this super ghetto apartment off Rundbherg...the first night I lived there someone got stabbed to death in the parking lot. That was a little bit of a culture shock for the girl who grew up in the suburban bubble that is Rockwall.

But I loved it. I loved The Drag and I spent pretty much all day everyday at my friend Nicks apartment right off Guadalupe. It was an amazing time for me. I waited tables to pay the bills, pretended to go to college and every waking moment I had off I was out exploring the beauty of Austin. Sometimes I explored on purpose and other times it was due to the fact that I continually got terribly lost everytime I tried to venture off of 35. ( this was before the days of cellphones, people!)

I got my first tattoo in Austin at this super cool place off Lamar by this chick tattoo artisit that kept telling me to stick it to the man...I had no idea what that meant but I assured her that I was indeed stickin it to the man every chance I got. I went to the Zachary theatre with my friend Brendan, and got picked up (literally) by a UT football player in Jester while visiting Naomi. I swam at Zilker and played miniature golf at Peter Pan. It's the place I met the man that would eventually become my husband. I saw Bob Dylan, Paul Simon and Tom Petty all in one week at the Frank Erwin center and the first time I had Kerbey Lanes Cowboy Queso I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

There's something fantastic about a city where a homeless drag queen can run for mayor and no one bats an eye. Where you are implored to give bikes the right and something as weird and wonderful as SXSW can go down every year. 37th street is where it's at when it comes to Christmas lights and Toy Joy has and always will be the place every little kid wants to go. It's where the United Mehodist Church can march in a gay rights parade holding a sign that simply says "we love everybody" and where there are hippies and yuppies and everything in between all cohabiting at the base of the endless hill country. Millions of bats live there and I never miss a chance to watch them fly from under the bridge. I remember a time when the state Capitol was open all day for visitors to walk through and I can still vividly see the painting of Davy Crockett at the Alamo.

Austin represents all the reasons why I love Texas. It's weird and hot but the music is rockin and the people are friendly as hell. I love being there and always cry when it's time to leave. A piece of my 18 year old girl heart is there. It represents to me a time of freedom and optimism and endless hope for the future.

Dear Austin, I love you forever because you are you and you make no apologies about it. Someday I will live in you again. Until that day comes I will always feel a little out of place, a little sad and a little seperated from where my heart longs to be.

Gratefulness is what I long for

2010-11-27T15:52:00.000-08:00

I'm a little bit of a complainer....I know it's hard to believe :) But, it's true. I complain about my job, about the weather, about the 60 billion college kids that live in this town who drive like they're drunk (some of them probably are actually drunk) and about anything else that rubs me the wrong way. Events in my life this year have made me reevaluate what it is I complain about and what it is I want to spend my time thinking about. I believe that you reap what you sow and that if you are continually sending out negative energy and words and thoughts that that is what you're going to get back.

The thing is someone really close to me is pretty sick........ and while everyone keeps assuring me that everything's going to be ok...there are certainly no guarentees. I have been forced to deal with death a lot over the past 6 or 7 years and as much as I believe in Christ the redeemer, it still terrifies the snot out of me. So, in being confronted with the fear of losing someone I love dearly I feel pretty convicted that I need to get it together. My life doesn't look like what I thought it would... but, so what? Whose life does?

The gifts that I have are things I never thought I would have...things I couldn't even dream of. And while I am looking to change some things in my life and I totally don't want to settle for mediocrity I also don't want my focus to be on what's wrong in my life anymore. I want it to be on what's right. And there are a lot of things that are right for me.

My family whom I cherish more than anything. Who love playing scrabble and talking trash and who would much rather spend time in a deer blind over watching TV any day.

My friends who encourage me and put up with me and who make me laugh and make me think.

My small group who has been together for 3 years now and who make every Tuesday night at 7 pm the very best part of my week.

My recovery peeps! Who get up day after day and try their very best to do what God asks of them.

My precious dogs who are stubborn and weird but who seriously act like its the second coming every time Dylan or I walk through that front door.

And last but not least my faith. That has sustained me and kept me afloat and that is definetly growing and changing a lot in the face of the adversity that has been this year.

I am blessed. My heart is grateful. With some perspective I can see that my life is good. My opportunities are many and my complaining needs to stop. So, please feel free to yell at me the next time you hear me fussing about something. :)

Wedding Dress

2010-11-18T10:12:00.000-08:00

There's this song called Wedding Dress by Derek Webb. The first time I heard it several years ago I was confused....can you say bastard in a Christian song? :) The second time I heard it I was moved. And the third time I heard it I understood. It's one of those songs that I listen to a lot, when things are wrong, when things are right and when I need to be reminded of just who I am and whose I am.

It makes me ask the question do I use Christ or do I love Him? And it inspires me that there are people out there like Derek Webb who will say what's on their mind and who don't give two craps if it's PC or if it's going to offend. His songs are true and they speak to a deeper side of spirituality I think. They ask hard questions, they cry out and they infuriate.

Here are the lyrics to Wedding Dress:

If you could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need?
Or is there more I’m looking for
And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want?
[Chorus]
‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood
[Chorus x2]
Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
[Chorus x2]

Check out Derek's webpage and give it a listen:
http://www.derekwebb.com/
What do you think about Wedding Dress? Do you identify as the bastard child? I certainly do.

Thorns

2010-11-14T19:59:00.000-08:00

Afflictions. Obstacles. Hardships. Terrible pieces of crap problems. Whatever you want to call 'em we've all got those impossibly painful things that seemingly stay with us all the time. I get frustrated sometimes because I want God to take these things from me. I've been limping around with this thorn in my side for forever and I want it gone. I want it gone like yesterday actually. But it's still here and I'm still here and I am beginning to realize that it will probably always be with me.

My thorn has made me think a lot about Paul and the thorn in his side. You know the one, 2 Corinthians 12 - where he's got the thorn in his side and he asks God three times to remove it and God doesn't. He just straight up says no, Paul I could remove it but I'm not going to. This used to irk me. I mean here's Paul and he's seriously trying to do God's work. He's talking to everybody about him in spite of being jailed and beaten up and hated. He practically wrote the whole new testament! And he has this thorn (whether or not it was physical or mental is still debated by many. I personally don't think that part matters at all, the point is the guy was being tortured by something) and he pleads to God to help him and God says no my grace is sufficient for you.

And you know what, Paul just rolls with it. He didn't want the thorn, but he knew that Christ was sufficient for him and that in his weakness he is made strong in God's grace. I don't know what thorns your dealing with today....I've got several but the most prevalent one is still my chemical addictions. I have prayed and cried out and pleaded for these things to be taken from me and they haven't been. And so I wake up and I go about my daily life and sometimes it'll be months before those old temptations creep into my thoughts...but they always creep in eventually. And when it catches me at the wrong time I am left feeling like the same old Jenny. The one that's been an addict since I can remember, the one that no matter how hard she tries will always be the addict.

I used to hate my thorn of addiction. Hate it. When I let it, it isolated me and made me feel unloved and unworthy. When I listened to what the world said about me I got really down and really tired and I wanted to just give in to temptation. I mean that's who I am right?

When your focus is your thorn it's all you can see about yourself. But when I can shift the way I think and when I can make Christ the center of my thoughts I start to see my thorn for what it is. It's a blessing. Being an addict gives me grace and mercy for others when there used to be only judgement and condemnation. It makes me stop and give a second thought to those folks that I would usually just pass by because I've been there, man. I know what it's like to feel worthless and to not want to get up in the morning. I know what it's like to be so consumed by addiction that I literally did anything I had to do to get what I needed. And yet by Gods grace here I am. Sober, moving towards Jesus and his love, and helping others. All of this happened because of my thorn. Without it I would be a very different, very cold and prideful and unmerciful person.

St. Julian of Norwich said " Both the fall and the recovery of the fall are by the Grace of God." I don't think this means that God causes your thorns by any means...but I do think that it means that when I can turn my thorn over to him that he is going to use it bring about love and change and peace for others and for myself.

I don't regret who I am and where I've been. And I see my thorn of addiction as evidence of God's redeeming love. That he could take someone like me and use me to minister to others is just beyond me. Of all people and of all the thorns in the world I get to work in recovery and with people who every week teach me just a little bit more about the true nature of Christ and of what it means to fully rely on Him for everything that I am and everything that I do.

Blessings flow from my thorn. Love flows from my thorn. I see it as a beautifully broken gift. All from Him, all for Him, all working within me.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops...

2010-10-29T12:57:00.000-07:00

The Wizard of Oz is da bomb. I've spent 4 of the past 5 halloweens as Dorothy, Glenda, or the Wicked Witch. Sure Dorothy can be kinda lame but Glenda, and the Scarecrow, the Lion, and the Tin-man are all solid and the Wicked Witch and her flippin monkeys were just terrifying. One of my favorite movies, plays, stories of all time. I totally love how its timeless tale of friendship and bravery keeps getting re imagined...whether it be Wicked or Son of a Witch or the super weird The Wiz...and it is guaranteed that I will cry anytime I hear Israel Kamakawiwo'ole sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow with his ukulele.

It took me years of watching the movie when I was little to realize that the friends that help Dorothy in Oz are the same folks she knows back in Kansas, just revamped a little. ( I was a little slow.) When I came to that realization it gave me great comfort. Yes, Dorothy is in a weird and scary place. She thinks she's alone, that crazy witch is out to get her, and the Wizard is a huge piece of crap. But, the whole time she's got that love and shelter of the entities that have always been in her life. I like to think God is like the Tin-man and the Scarecrow and the Lion. You may transition into a crappy place in your life. You may feel all alone and frightened and that dude you thought had all the answers may just be some turd behind a curtain. But, right alongside you is that faith, that friend that seems so familiar, and that ability to overcome whatever you got going on by clicking your heels together and relying on that power instilled in you by the Holy Spirit that's been there all along...

And then for the super surprising death of that awful old Witch Dorothy kills her with a bucket of water! Not with anything that's out of her reach or that seems impossible, just with a simple bucket of water that is on hand at the time. So often I think getting out from under that witch on your trail has to be painstaking and impossibly hard. I get defeated before I even try. Most of the time though, it simply takes being aware of my surroundings, being resourceful, and really being aware of who Christ says I am.

He's given me these ruby slippers you see, and with them comes the ability to trust in Him and to overcome whatever witch, or tornado, or trips to Oz life can throw at me.

The Opposite of War isn't Peace, it's Creation.

2010-10-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

This is Sufjan Stevens. And I love him. My little brother (not so little anymore, seeing as how he's 21 and has a beard) and I went to see him last night in Dallas. His music is beautiful and insightful and so I knew that his live show was going to be awesome. But I didn't expect it to be something so much more than just a concert! It was art. Conceptual, visual, high impact, gorgeous art. It was like being in the midst of creation. It was breathtaking and honest and although he isn't a "Christian" music artist he spoke a lot about God and the universe and his heart. I would call what I witnessed last night more expression of love through art than anything. It was what church should be.

I love art. Love it. As a child we spent countless hours at art museums and when I was 10 my mom and I went to Holland to the Rijks Museum where I saw my first Rembrandt and the famous Sunflowers by Vangogh. It was a powerful trip for me. I knew then that art would be an important part of my life forever. And so it was no surprise that in college I hung out with this painter and I would just sit for hours and watch him paint. I can see him now, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth crouching over whatever beautiful piece he was working on at the time. He introduced me to Basquiat, and Phillip Guston and Pollock and we spent a lot of time together talking about the power of creation.

It's not just art that moves me in meaningful ways...it's watching Aaron and Kevin and Alex and Naomi and Zach play music, listening to Katy tell me a beautifully woven story, reading my dad's articles, making crafts with my mom, or just being in the midst of creating something with someone else.

I am unhappy when I'm not creating. If I took anything away from Sufjan's show last night, it was that fact. Life is beautiful and inspiring and devastating, and the way that I deal with all of those things is through creation. I met a wonderfully talented artist when I went on my Walk to Emmaus, she told the story of her life and as she did she drew the vine and the branches symbolizing her walk Christ. I spoke with her after her talk and she told me that she was a hospice chaplain and that the way that she found balance in her life was to create through her pain and her joy.

Balance is what I strive for. And the only way for me to maintain in the midst of strife is through creating. Creating art, or community, or hope. God is a wonderful artist. Have you ever seen Glacier National Park or held a brand new baby in your arms? Talk about beauty and meaning and power.

This post's title is taken from a quote from Rent (my favorite musical of all time)...and the name of my blog is La Vie Boheme, another Rent reference. La Vie Boheme means, the artists life. And that's the life I want to live. One that's messy and heartfelt and one where after I'm gone people can look at it and see the art that Christ created in my heart, my actions, and His legacy.

Sarah Mclaughlin, appointments with God, and sleepless nights.

2010-10-18T19:49:00.000-07:00

I used to love Sarah Mclaughlin. I don't know any girl that was in high school in the 90's that didn't really. Fumbling Towards Ecstasy was the perfect make out cd. Gross, I know...but true :)

She has a line in this song that says "I'm so tired that I can't sleep, standing on the edge of something much to deep" I feel that way currently. Insomnia has always been a problem of mine. I usually fall asleep just fine but then around 2:00 in the morning I wake up and can't go back to sleep. Sleepless nights do not a happy Jenny make. It would be cool if I was less stubborn. You see, I know what sleepless nights mean for me. It means there's something in my life that I refuse to deal with and therefore I wake myself up worrying about it. And instead of dealing with it when I wake up I sit around like a zombie and try to read O magazine or brush the dog or something lame like that.

The truth is that I believe that these bouts of insomnia I have are really appointments that God makes with me....he knows me well, that God. He knows when I'm avoiding and when I refuse to take time to speak with Him during normal waking hours....I get woken up at 2:30 am. Every single time I wake up and pray and journal and do the things I know I need to do I can automatically go back to sleep and I will sleep peacefully for months and months until of course, I start trying to manage my life myself again.

I have a hard time asking for help. I'm not sure if it's because I come from a long line of insanely stubborn people, or maybe it's because I'm the first born, or then again maybe it's because I'm just a ding-dong who likes torturing herself. When you ask for help you make yourself vulnerable to people and man I hate being vulnerable. I even hate being vulnerable to God...which is lame. Vulnerability means that people can hurt me or that God can turn his back on me (not that he would) but, it's still something I struggle with on a daily basis.

We talk in recovery about how you are only as sick as your secrets and I really agree with that. When I was at the height of my drug addiction I was beyond sick because I had to lie and cheat and do whatever I had to do to keep my secret. Now that everyone knows about my addictions I live a much freer much happier life. And I know that will be the case with what I'm struggling with now. As soon as I start to talk about it I will feel better, I will not carry around shame and guilt, and I will be able to flippin sleep more than 3 hours at a time. But, still I hang onto it for dear life. Because even though it hurts me, it's a truth that I feel comfortable with. I don't feel ready to speak of it because once I do, that will make it real. There will be no more denying it or pretending like it's not there...I will have to deal with it and I just don't think I can do that right now.

So until I get over myself and nut-up and deal if any of you are looking for an insomniac buddy to hang out with at 3:00 am I am totally on board. We could listen to Sarah Mclaughlin and I will even promise not to try to make out with you.

.

I asked for You and You said yes

2010-10-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

My Walk to Emmaus retreat was awesome. To say that it changed my heart would be an understatement. I have been raised in church and been to a zillion retreats etc....but this one was different. Never before have I felt so loved. By friends, family, strangers, and God. I went into the weekend so burned out. I was still serving but I had lost all of my joy. And friends, my joy was restored. It was restored each and everytime someone who didn't know me at all loved me extravagantly, it was restored while being out at Crossroads in Caldwell and looking up at a million stars in the night sky. It was restored in the women I met and listening to their life stories. Some of them were funny some of them were sad and some of them sounded a heckofalot like mine.....whether I could relate to them or not there was this undercurrent of Christ that was woven throughout each one of them. It made me think of the community of believers that exists whenever you love God and love others. Sure, this year has been frustrating. I came back from Emmaus to the same old crap that I've been dealing with for a while now. But, with a different attitude and a restored hope.

I allowed myself to get pretty down yesterday, we got some not very encouraging news about someone I love dearly's health, an opportunity I was hoping for turned out not to be what I thought it was, and the gap that is between mine and Dylan's faith life seems to be forever expanding..... and then I went to recovery and I saw people there who have tragic stories and have to fight every day for their sobriety and I saw the smiles on their faces and the joy in their heart and I remembered the things I took from Emmaus and I started to really cling to them.

The truth is nothing can seperate me from God. Not life or death or angels or demons or work or illness or frustration. No matter how far down I get He will always come for me. As long as I can remember this truth the joy that was instilled in me at Emmaus will forever remain. I get into trouble when I rely on my own understanding. I do not love well when I rely on my own understanding. I get angry and bitter when I rely on my own understanding. But when I think of God and how he loves me I can take that love and no matter the circumstance love others. When I focus on the truth's God spoke into my heart I am restored and patient. Whatever is going on in my life (whatever is going on in your life too, for that matter) - it to shall pass. As long as we are standing together in Christ's name we are going to be ok. My heart is full today, my worries few, and I pray that the joy I feel in God be visibile in everything I do.

A song for my heart

2010-10-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

I've been home from my Emmaus walk for a few days and I promise I'll write about some of the things I took out of the weekend soon...but as for now I'm still processing and I think the very best way I can communicate the revelations I had while I was there is through the song Empty My Hands by Tenth Avenue North. I love Tenth Avenue North. Love them! So much of Christian music is cheesy beyond belief. But, they are legit.

I've got voices in my head and they are so strong
And I'm getting sick of this, oh Lord, how long
Will I be haunted by the fear that I believe
My hands like locks on cages
Of these dreams I can't set free

But if I let these dreams die
If I lay down all my wounded pride
If I let these dreams die
Will I find that letting go lets me come alive

So empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
Oh empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
With You, with You Lord

These voices speak instead and what's right is wrong
And I'm giving into them, please Lord, how long
Will I be held captive by the lies that I believe
My heart's in constant chaos and it keeps me so deceived

But if I let these dreams die
If I could just lay down my dark desire
If I let these dreams die
Will I find you brought me back to life

So empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
Oh Lord, empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You

Cause my mind is like a building burning down
I need Your grace to keep me, keep me from the ground
And my heart is just a prisoner of war
A slave to what it wants and to what I'm fighting for

So won't you empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You
Oh empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You

With You, with You
I need You, I need you my Lord
With You, with You
I need you now Lord

No pressure

2010-09-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

I'm going on a Walk to Emmaus this weekend. This is one of those things that I feel like I've been waiting to do forever. Walk to Emmaus is this spiritual retreat that's a big deal in the Methodist community. Everyone that I know whose been on it has been profoundly changed by it. Also everyone that I know that's been on it won't flippin tell me what happens while you're there which makes me think it's so amazing that it can't be put into words or that they are going to try to shave my head and make me drink poison koolaid.

In other words, I am beyond excited to be going on this retreat but a little nervous that it won't live up to everything I've heard about it for the last 15 years. What's amazing to me is that I've been trying to go on this thing for the past 3 years and it has never worked out because of scheduling or somebodies wedding was that weekend or whatever. But, this time everything aligned perfectly for me to be able to go. Maybe that's because God knew that this year was the year that I needed this the most.

I need a spiritual retreat. I am way stressed. My money, my time, my patience, my hope in humanity all seem to be in short supply and I am left feeling a little overwhelmed by my current state of mind.

I need to go somewhere where I can be quite and still and my only concern can be talking with my creator and genuinely listening to his response. I need to be reminded why it is I do what I do, why I serve, why I give, why I love because relying on my own understanding when everything around me seems to be going crummy isn't working out very well for me. I want to be in awe of something greater than myself. To be swept away by the beauty and grace that comes from God alone.

Here's hoping for all of that this weekend....or at the very least it would be awesome if the poison koolaid were blue. I like blue koolaid.

Stage Fright!

2010-09-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

I have to speak on a fairly regular basis at recovery meetings or at church or for work. Which is funny to me because I am seriously the worst at public speaking. I'm clumsy, I get really really nervous, and I am renowned for saying things like "you should get hot for Jesus" to groups of innocent bystanders etc. Seriously I have been the cause of many train wreck moments with my verbal diarrhea. I meticulously plan and write out everything that I want to say anytime I give a talk in front of a large group of people. When I stick to my script is typically when the word vomit flows freely from my ever moving mouth.

This may come as a surprise to some of you but I am a bit of a control freak. Shocking, I know! Having my notes and my research and my ideas laid out before me when I speak is kindof my way of saying "I got this!" even when I obviously don't got it at all.

About a year ago I was gearing up for one of my cringe inducing talks and I sat down to pray. I think my prayer went something like - Hey God, I'm really trying over here and instead of me getting better at this I seem to be getting worse. I keep researching and applying myself and somehow I wind up saying really weird and lame stuff in front of everyone as they stare uncomfortably at their shoes. What the crap?! - In that moment I heard that still quite voice from within speak to my heart "Why don't you try relying on me, Jenny?"

I was a little shocked and to be honest slightly pissed at this response...wasn't I relying on God by standing up in front of people because he wanted me to? Wasn't I relying on him by being in ministry in the first place? What the frak? I mean we are called on to offer up our very best to God and I was putting in so much time trying to make what I was saying well versed and clever....maybe my best wasn't sufficient? Maybe in only relying on MY best I was ignoring the fact that God is the one who said "ask and you shall receive." I hadn't asked him to give me words. I had continued to beat my head against a wall because MY words were not cutting it but I hadn't asked him for anything.

I asked in that moment for peace and for him to take from me my own agenda and my idea of how this talk should go and replace it with His. I spoke that night in front of people without hesitation, without even glancing at my notes, and for the first time with Christ's words instead of my own. Since that day I give it over to God before I get up to speak and I haven't word vomited on anyone sense...well, not word vomited on people I was speaking in front of anyways! Friends and family and those crazy college kid drivers still get the brunt of my word vomiting on a fairly frequent basis.

My name is Jenny and I suck at public speaking. But hey, it's alright because I serve a God who does not suck at public speaking and who if I spend even a moment in prayer with him will realign my thinking and give me the words that are his instead of my own.

Poverty is not the enemy

2010-09-17T08:24:00.000-07:00

I've been a part of some interesting conversations about poverty lately. At my job there is often talk of how we can help those who are struggling with providing the very basics for their family. I heard this really cool parable that The United Way uses to demonstrate what their goals are in every community they serve.

The Parable of the Ogre:

A man in New Albany, Indiana is jogging by the Ohio River one morning. The man looks out into the water and sees a baby floating his way! The jogger rushes into the water, saves the baby, and brings the baby to shore. The baby is fine.

Relieved, the jogger looks back into the water and sees another baby floating by! He hurries back into the river and retrieves this baby safely as well.

The man returns to shore after saving the second baby, and much to his horror, now sees dozens of babies floating right underneath the Sherman Minton Bridge! The jogger cries out for help, and all of New Albany comes running to the river to save as many babies as they can.

At this moment, New Albany is a city that is mobilized. Every New Albanian is at the river, trying to save babies. At this moment, New Albany is improving lives. Many babies are being saved!

But – the babies keep coming, because no one is going upstream to put a stop to the ogre that is throwing the babies into the water in the first place.

United Way needs to gather a contingent of New Albanians to go upstream and stop the ogre. Otherwise, we will be pulling babies out of the water forever.

Man, I love this parable. First of all it's got an ogre in it. Second of all, it is so very true. Until we can come together as a community to care for those who are in poverty there will always be babies in the river...the answer to the question of what can we do about poverty is not pay higher taxes, not to put off caring for the children of this town onto the schools or the government or the church but for each one of us to change our way of thinking about poverty. There are those immediate needs of food and clothing and pulling the babies out of the river and we absolutely should be meeting those needs. But what it's really going to take is all of us rising up and saying "not in my town".

Jesus said it best (he usually does!) when he said "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime."

The question we should all be asking ourselves is: How am I going to teach someone to fish today?

Presence

2010-09-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

I remember my kindergarten teacher taking roll when I was a kid. We'd go around the room as she called out our names and if we were there we were supposed to offer the response of "present". I had a hard time with roll call as a child. It usually occurred at the beginning of class when I was busy coloring or talking to that kid that ate the glue that sat next to me. I would miss my name being called frequently and be reprimanded for my lack of any sort of attention span.

One day Mrs. Gafney sat me down and talked to me about the importance of letting her know that I was present. I'm sure I smarted off in some way and that my response must have been something like "well, I'm sitting here in my seat ma'am why don't you just look around the room and see whose here? Why does it matter if I respond to the roll call?" Because she countered with saying that "it is not enough to be sitting in your seat, I want to know that you are listening to me and that you hear me because I am your teacher and I want what's best for you."

It's been 24 years since I was in Kindergarten but Mrs. Gafneys words resignate with me still. It isn't enough for me to just show up...my life is given meaning by that teacher that speaks a word of wisdom into my heart and that calls me into the presence of His love. Mrs. Gafney wasn't satisfied with me being physically there. She wanted all of me, so that I would learn and grow and become something more than I was when I walked into her classroom as a terrified spazzy 5 year old.

When I am present to Christ, the teacher, I see the beauty in being "all in".

In giving all of your presence to someone else you become who you were created to be; a selfless servant who has been transformed into the very image of love.

The dangers of praying for boldness.

2010-09-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been asking God for boldness.. I may appear bold to some because I am certainly talkative. But running your mouth about cooking, or clothes, or the weather is entirely different than being bold in my faith life. I tend to hold back and keep my head down. I'm not a fan of conflict so my natural instinct in an argument or a tough situation is for me to flee the premises immediately.
Like with most things I pray for; my plea for boldness was answered with a challenging situation. The Lord works in mysterious and humorous ways.
Like my prayer for patience, which was met with almost an immediate placement in a situation where I am now around someone who continually requires for me to go to God so that I don't push them down the stairs.
The end result of my prayers are almost never a straightforward answer. It's mostly some truth revealed to my heart through a relationship with someone else or me having to stand up to something that literally scares the crap out of me. The challenging thing about following Christ is that when the answers to my prayers end up looking differently than my expectations I need to be able to put the expectations aside and really embrace the fullness and the power of God's love. He moves in ways that I could never imagine or fathom and to try to project the limitations of my own understanding onto Him is to limit my ability to be His servant.
There was this day when Dylan and I had gotten back together after we'd seperated when I prayed for God to help me show Dylan that I loved him. As I was in prayer I had the fact that I needed to make him a sandwich layed on my heart. Now, I thought this was a really stupid answer to my prayer. We were recently reconciled, things were still rocky, we were both scared, and God's answer is to make him a sandwich? I mean c'mon Lord? I was incredulous but, I had seen God move so much in my life that I decided to be obedient, make that "magical" sandwich and take it to Dylan at work.
As I handed this holy sandwich over to Dylan he looked at me right in the eyes and said "Man, I was really feeling like we shouldn't have gotten back together this morning as I woke up. I was nervous and scared and I wanted to run. But, when I saw you come in today with that sandwich I knew that you were my wife and that I was going to keep the commitment I made to you." As he spoke to me I began to cry because I knew at that moment that if I had listened to my fears instead of rolling with Christ our relationship might not have been salvaged. We still argue and fight like any other couple but the word divorce has not once been used in any of our conversations since the sandwich.
Friends, all this came about not because of a sandwich but because miraculously and in spite of myself and only through tremendous Grace I went to God in prayer and then listened to his response even though it sounded nuts and even though it seemed like such an insignificant thing to do.
Imagine what's going to come out of my prayer for boldness. Maybe I will make somebody a sandwich that will someday change the world. :)